Dr. Stuart Ablon
speaker
223 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
Dr. Stuart Ablon’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
First ingredient, second ingredient, third ingredient, okay? Incredible, absolutely incredible. And it's not easy, let me be clear.
which is a skill. It is, although you know what the interesting thing is? Disregulation is contagious, right? Like the person you're working with getting dysregulated or trying to help dysregulates us. I mean, there's nothing like being disrespected or things like that that dysregulates us.
But if you can just start with that first ingredient, empathy, you regulate the person in front of you, you're going to see what we call co-regulation happen. You're going to start to regulate as well. We humans, we can dysregulate each other. We can also... regulate each other.
To be curious. I mean, you don't want to make assumptions. Be curious. And there's so many places this matters. I mean, As parents right now, these days, I got to say one of the biggest concerns we have is social media use and screen time for our kids. There's so many battles that happen over that. This is tailor made for it. And it's a great example of.
And he's just scrolling on reels all day.
Yep.
It is. And it's just really hard because the algorithms of these things are meant to addict. I mean, let's be clear that they are built to addict. So there's a very powerful force going on here, but it's still the same three-step process. And what I find doing a lot of work with kids and adolescents around this is that kids share our concerns a lot of the time.
So we don't actually need to come barging in with our concerns and solutions. If we listen first, what we'll hear from kids is they're worried about a lot of the same things. And if that's the case, it opens up the door to collaboration where you're now working together against these addictive algorithms as opposed to sort of, you know, working against one another.
But it all starts with listening. You know, people... We actually created a series for how to talk to your kids about social media.
I mean, it's the biggest parenting challenge of our generation, I think. But the funny thing about it is we call it how to talk to your kids about social media. It's not how to talk to your kids about social media. It's actually how to listen to your kids about social media. And it's exactly what we talked about before. Pick a specific instance.
You know, maybe it's you pick your child up at school and they're glued to their phone when you're wanting to talk to them. Right. Pick a specific instance. Okay. Decide which plan you're going to use. If you're going to try this collaborative problem solving, you're going to start by getting their concern, their perspective, their point of view on the table. Right. You'll express your concern.
You'll collaborate.
You know, it's really interesting. I've noticed I've typically worked with children, adolescents, occasional young adult. I work with more young adults now than I ever have. And there's a reason for that. Because in essence, young adults aren't looking like what young adults used to look like. And what I mean by that is thanks to the pandemic, there's a gap between
between where we expect people to be at certain ages and skill level. Kids' skills did not develop at the same rate despite heroic efforts from teachers, from parents, which is why like fifth graders now when I work with schools look a lot more like third graders. 12th graders look a lot more like 10th graders. And yes, 22-year-olds look a lot more like 19, 20-year-olds, things like that.
So things that were already challenging are more challenging. Adulting is harder than it used to be because a lot of the kids don't have the same skills.
Yeah. Well, so basically, you know, I have a lot of families that are very frustrated because they're like, my kid is not launching here. Yes. And I'm supporting them. And this is unsustainable. Yes. Now, where do parents typically go with that? I'm working with a few right now where they go with that is, so here's the plan. Yep. Here's what we are willing to do to support you.
Have you been in my house? By X date, you must have at least a part-time job and contributing this amount. By X date, you will have secured an apartment and have a full-time job. And, you know, at best, what you get is, okay, yeah, that sounds good. Yep, I'm good. Which, you know what I call that? I call that dissociative compliance.
Which means the kid is basically checked out, saying exactly what they think you want to hear so that they can get this over with because their concerns aren't around the table. Got it. So it's the same three-step process. Unless you want to do plan A or plan C, it needs to look like, because that was plan A, what I just said.
Yes. It needs to look like. So let's talk about how things are going, what you think about how things are going, your perspective, your point of view, what you're looking for, your goals. I'll share some of my concerns and let's see if we can figure out a plan together, at least in the short term, that's going to work for the both of us.
But you also don't want to be taken advantage of.
Showing 181–200 of 223 · page 10 of 12
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