Dr. Stuart Ablon
speaker
223 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
Dr. Stuart Ablon’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
In the first place.
It's struggling with the skills needed to handle the new world, which is a very challenging world. So how do you handle the financial piece though? I always say, okay, share with me not your solutions to the financial piece, but what are you worried about, your concerns? Because they are going to be different from family to family.
No, it is. And it's why usually when I prepare these conversations with parents, I let them tell me it that way first. Okay. And then I say, all right, so let's rephrase that a little bit.
Well, but here's what I mean.
Okay.
Okay. But see, now we're actually getting to your real concern.
OK, now someone else, their real concern might be we are going to run out of money very soon. And so I am worried about being able to put food on the table for us all. Yes. Somebody else is, you know, the concerns are different. The key is really them being co-authors of the solutions. Your concerns are every bit as important.
They're on the table, whether they're the financial concern and or the concern about I'm worried you're not going to be happy and feel good about yourself. And I want to help you. These 20-year-olds who are living with their parents who are really struggling, that doesn't feel good to them. They want to feel like I can provide for myself. Right. I'm successful. I have a career, et cetera.
But we need to help understand where they're coming from while simultaneously then sharing, okay, here's our reality of what we're worried about, and we got to work together here.
Wow. He's describing right there what we talked about earlier. If you give a dog a name, eventually they'll answer to it, right? Like, don't be that voice that becomes your child's inner voice. And I love how he's setting this intention for himself, right? He is saying, this is who I want to be and how I want to be. When I hear that,
If I were sitting with him, one of the things I would say to him is to get there fully, I think he's actually going to probably need to forgive his parents. And the way to do that in my world is to remember parents do well if they can. And that the parent who wasn't there for you was probably doing the best they could to handle a very tricky situation with the skills they had.
And my guess is a parent exposed to a lot of chronic stress and trauma. And that's, I want to be clear, that's not excusing behavior. You know, there's a big difference between excusing and explaining, right? And so you can still be really upset and really mad and hurt and traumatized. And at the same time, realize that people do well if they can.
And your mom was doing the best she could and your dad was doing the best he could. And that's a way to forgive yourself. while still recognizing the impact. And then say to yourself, I'm going to do the best I can with the skills I have to handle what my kids need for me. And if I feel like I'm not doing enough, I'm going to work on building my skills.
So, you know, that's what this thing makes me think of when I hear him and his vulnerability there is amazing.
guess my parting words are remember people do well if they can it's about skill not will it's all about empathy listening and truly understanding and if you do that it'll open up all kinds of doors to collaboration to repairing relationship to building skills and i guess
The last thing I would add is, as we've been talking about in these last few minutes, try to extend the people do well if they can to yourself. You show yourself some empathy to know that we're all doing the best we can at any given moment with what's coming our way and our skills. We can always do better because skills can be built, but we're doing the best we can.
Here we go. Yeah.
No, people have a hard time with my last name, which I'm always like, it's not that hard, but people, you wouldn't believe what I get. What do you get? Avalon, Albon, Ablom, all kinds of things.
Avalon.
I must have been thinking about the nightclub here in Boston.
Showing 201–220 of 223 · page 11 of 12
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