Dr. Stuart Ablon

But some folks don't have a feedback loop or keep it open for a very short amount of time or misjudge the feedback. So, you know, those are more complicated skills and probably empathy. And perspective taking is one of the most complicated of all social thinking skills, you know, which is in essence, can you try to understand where somebody else is coming from?

And all these skills can be interrelated too. So these five we talked about, they're not mutually exclusive. It's not, I have a hard time with this and nothing else. Because you can imagine, you know, if you're a very concrete, literal thinker, it might be hard for you to step into somebody else's shoes and empathize. Right.

And all these skills can be interrelated too. So these five we talked about, they're not mutually exclusive. It's not, I have a hard time with this and nothing else. Because you can imagine, you know, if you're a very concrete, literal thinker, it might be hard for you to step into somebody else's shoes and empathize. Right.

And all these skills can be interrelated too. So these five we talked about, they're not mutually exclusive. It's not, I have a hard time with this and nothing else. Because you can imagine, you know, if you're a very concrete, literal thinker, it might be hard for you to step into somebody else's shoes and empathize. Right.

Or if you tend to think in a very black and white way, your emotions may spiral pretty quickly if you start to catastrophize, as you said a moment ago. Right.

Or if you tend to think in a very black and white way, your emotions may spiral pretty quickly if you start to catastrophize, as you said a moment ago. Right.

Or if you tend to think in a very black and white way, your emotions may spiral pretty quickly if you start to catastrophize, as you said a moment ago. Right.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Well, the way it happens is because you struggle with these skills, you have a hard time meeting people's expectations. You end up doing things that people don't like, that they don't want you to do, and not doing things people want you to do. People get frustrated with you. Yep. And then people default to assuming this is a lack of will. Yep.

Well, the way it happens is because you struggle with these skills, you have a hard time meeting people's expectations. You end up doing things that people don't like, that they don't want you to do, and not doing things people want you to do. People get frustrated with you. Yep. And then people default to assuming this is a lack of will. Yep.

Well, the way it happens is because you struggle with these skills, you have a hard time meeting people's expectations. You end up doing things that people don't like, that they don't want you to do, and not doing things people want you to do. People get frustrated with you. Yep. And then people default to assuming this is a lack of will. Yep.

And they try to motivate you through incentives, rewards, consequences to try to behave better. And that doesn't work because you're already trying hard. You're trying harder than anybody else to behave well. I mean, this is one of the secrets. People think sometimes people who struggle with their behavior aren't trying hard to behave well. No, you know who's not trying hard to behave well?

And they try to motivate you through incentives, rewards, consequences to try to behave better. And that doesn't work because you're already trying hard. You're trying harder than anybody else to behave well. I mean, this is one of the secrets. People think sometimes people who struggle with their behavior aren't trying hard to behave well. No, you know who's not trying hard to behave well?

And they try to motivate you through incentives, rewards, consequences to try to behave better. And that doesn't work because you're already trying hard. You're trying harder than anybody else to behave well. I mean, this is one of the secrets. People think sometimes people who struggle with their behavior aren't trying hard to behave well. No, you know who's not trying hard to behave well?

Well-behaved people, because it comes naturally. The people who are really working hard are the folks for whom it doesn't come naturally. And then I got to say what gets really dangerous is not only are rewards and consequences, incentives, things like that, not effective, right? But they can cause real harm. And if I can talk about two ways they cause harm.

Well-behaved people, because it comes naturally. The people who are really working hard are the folks for whom it doesn't come naturally. And then I got to say what gets really dangerous is not only are rewards and consequences, incentives, things like that, not effective, right? But they can cause real harm. And if I can talk about two ways they cause harm.

Well-behaved people, because it comes naturally. The people who are really working hard are the folks for whom it doesn't come naturally. And then I got to say what gets really dangerous is not only are rewards and consequences, incentives, things like that, not effective, right? But they can cause real harm. And if I can talk about two ways they cause harm.

By the way, that word discipline is an interesting one because people somehow have equated discipline with punishment. Yes. Where actually the origins of the word don't involve punishment at all. The origins of the word discipline revolve around teaching, really means to teach. And punishment is a very poor way to... to teach.