Dr. Stuart Ablon

I mean, look, when people say we wouldn't do this that way when I grew up, we used to think that corporal punishment, that actually injuring kids, hurting, traumatizing kids, that that was a good form of discipline, right? We learn things, okay? We learn that actually that causes harm. It doesn't help. And we need to change with the times. And you mentioned trauma.

Since we can image the brain, one of the clearest things we found is expose somebody to trauma or to chronic toxic stress in childhood. Guess what it does? It delays, it changes the brain. It delays skills. in those five areas we talked about before. It's one of the primary reasons for very challenging and concerning behavior.

Since we can image the brain, one of the clearest things we found is expose somebody to trauma or to chronic toxic stress in childhood. Guess what it does? It delays, it changes the brain. It delays skills. in those five areas we talked about before. It's one of the primary reasons for very challenging and concerning behavior.

Since we can image the brain, one of the clearest things we found is expose somebody to trauma or to chronic toxic stress in childhood. Guess what it does? It delays, it changes the brain. It delays skills. in those five areas we talked about before. It's one of the primary reasons for very challenging and concerning behavior.

Kids who have trauma histories, that trauma has gotten in their way of their skills. So if you want to be sort of really trauma sensitive, you really need to realize behavior is about skill, not will.

Kids who have trauma histories, that trauma has gotten in their way of their skills. So if you want to be sort of really trauma sensitive, you really need to realize behavior is about skill, not will.

Kids who have trauma histories, that trauma has gotten in their way of their skills. So if you want to be sort of really trauma sensitive, you really need to realize behavior is about skill, not will.

And then to make it worse, the outside world typically reacts in punitive ways, which what does that do? It adds stress. So it further gets in the way of skill development. It only escalates the behavior. And then when we have escalating behavior, we tend to up the ante on the discipline.

And then to make it worse, the outside world typically reacts in punitive ways, which what does that do? It adds stress. So it further gets in the way of skill development. It only escalates the behavior. And then when we have escalating behavior, we tend to up the ante on the discipline.

And then to make it worse, the outside world typically reacts in punitive ways, which what does that do? It adds stress. So it further gets in the way of skill development. It only escalates the behavior. And then when we have escalating behavior, we tend to up the ante on the discipline.

So it becomes this cycle of sort of chronic stress and punitive discipline that just keeps making matters worse and worse and worse. And the good news is we don't have to respond to that behavior punitively. We can respond in a different way, a way that I call relational discipline. Discipline that doesn't leverage power and control, but leverages relationship.

So it becomes this cycle of sort of chronic stress and punitive discipline that just keeps making matters worse and worse and worse. And the good news is we don't have to respond to that behavior punitively. We can respond in a different way, a way that I call relational discipline. Discipline that doesn't leverage power and control, but leverages relationship.

So it becomes this cycle of sort of chronic stress and punitive discipline that just keeps making matters worse and worse and worse. And the good news is we don't have to respond to that behavior punitively. We can respond in a different way, a way that I call relational discipline. Discipline that doesn't leverage power and control, but leverages relationship.

Because remember, the biggest predictor of helping somebody change, helping somebody build skills, is the degree of helping relationship. So we can respond with relational discipline.

Because remember, the biggest predictor of helping somebody change, helping somebody build skills, is the degree of helping relationship. So we can respond with relational discipline.

Because remember, the biggest predictor of helping somebody change, helping somebody build skills, is the degree of helping relationship. So we can respond with relational discipline.

Let's go. What do we do? You know, here's a simple way to think about things. And I always say to people, don't confuse simple with easy, okay? Yep. But simple is this. Pick any problem that you have with anybody, literally anybody in your life, okay? In other words, anything they're doing you don't want them to do or not doing you want them to do, anything. Okay.

Let's go. What do we do? You know, here's a simple way to think about things. And I always say to people, don't confuse simple with easy, okay? Yep. But simple is this. Pick any problem that you have with anybody, literally anybody in your life, okay? In other words, anything they're doing you don't want them to do or not doing you want them to do, anything. Okay.

Let's go. What do we do? You know, here's a simple way to think about things. And I always say to people, don't confuse simple with easy, okay? Yep. But simple is this. Pick any problem that you have with anybody, literally anybody in your life, okay? In other words, anything they're doing you don't want them to do or not doing you want them to do, anything. Okay.

And at the end of the day, you really only have three options for how to handle those. And just to be clear, we didn't create these in collaborative problem solving. We just put labels on them. Okay. We call them your three plans. Okay. Which is another word saying your options for how to handle a problem. You need a plan. What's your plan? Okay. Okay. There's only three. Okay.