Dr. Stuart Ablon

And it's Mel's, which plan are you using here?

And it's Mel's, which plan are you using here?

You got it. And then you're working together. And I tell parents all the time, if you want a little tricky reminder here, a little trick to help you remember things, if you only have one set of concerns on the table and it's the adults, you're headed for plan A. If you only have one set and it's the child's, what plan are you headed for? Plan C. How do you know you're doing plan B?

You got it. And then you're working together. And I tell parents all the time, if you want a little tricky reminder here, a little trick to help you remember things, if you only have one set of concerns on the table and it's the adults, you're headed for plan A. If you only have one set and it's the child's, what plan are you headed for? Plan C. How do you know you're doing plan B?

You got it. And then you're working together. And I tell parents all the time, if you want a little tricky reminder here, a little trick to help you remember things, if you only have one set of concerns on the table and it's the adults, you're headed for plan A. If you only have one set and it's the child's, what plan are you headed for? Plan C. How do you know you're doing plan B?

You must have both sets of concerns on the table.

You must have both sets of concerns on the table.

You must have both sets of concerns on the table.

And here's the other thing. I think I can remember that. Okay, good. Well, it's only three. Here's the other thing that's really important here is this order is intentional, right? Notice we don't start with the adult concern, then try to clarify what's going on for the child and then invite them because they will shut down. And there's a reason for that, because our brains work in a certain way.

And here's the other thing. I think I can remember that. Okay, good. Well, it's only three. Here's the other thing that's really important here is this order is intentional, right? Notice we don't start with the adult concern, then try to clarify what's going on for the child and then invite them because they will shut down. And there's a reason for that, because our brains work in a certain way.

And here's the other thing. I think I can remember that. Okay, good. Well, it's only three. Here's the other thing that's really important here is this order is intentional, right? Notice we don't start with the adult concern, then try to clarify what's going on for the child and then invite them because they will shut down. And there's a reason for that, because our brains work in a certain way.

OK, information doesn't hit the smart part of our brain first, which is why you can't just start problem solving. You've got to regulate a child before they're going to be able to relate to you. before you can reason with them. And that rubric is a rubric coined by a good friend and colleague of mine, Dr. Bruce Perry, who does a lot of work with very traumatized kids. Regulate, relate, reason.

OK, information doesn't hit the smart part of our brain first, which is why you can't just start problem solving. You've got to regulate a child before they're going to be able to relate to you. before you can reason with them. And that rubric is a rubric coined by a good friend and colleague of mine, Dr. Bruce Perry, who does a lot of work with very traumatized kids. Regulate, relate, reason.

OK, information doesn't hit the smart part of our brain first, which is why you can't just start problem solving. You've got to regulate a child before they're going to be able to relate to you. before you can reason with them. And that rubric is a rubric coined by a good friend and colleague of mine, Dr. Bruce Perry, who does a lot of work with very traumatized kids. Regulate, relate, reason.

And the reason I'm doing this is this is how you move up the brain. Regulation, low down in the brain, move up the brain so somebody can relate to you, and then finally get to the cortex and reason with them. And the three ingredients I'm sharing with you, those operationalize that. It turns into an action. First ingredient, empathy. Let me regulate you. Second ingredient,

And the reason I'm doing this is this is how you move up the brain. Regulation, low down in the brain, move up the brain so somebody can relate to you, and then finally get to the cortex and reason with them. And the three ingredients I'm sharing with you, those operationalize that. It turns into an action. First ingredient, empathy. Let me regulate you. Second ingredient,

And the reason I'm doing this is this is how you move up the brain. Regulation, low down in the brain, move up the brain so somebody can relate to you, and then finally get to the cortex and reason with them. And the three ingredients I'm sharing with you, those operationalize that. It turns into an action. First ingredient, empathy. Let me regulate you. Second ingredient,

Let me ask you to relate to me by sharing my perspective. Which makes you a helper, not a solver. Third ingredient, let's problem solve. And if at any point in that process, they get upset with you or shut down, just go right back to the bottom of the brain, the first ingredient. Let me re-regulate you. Let me remind you, here's what I heard from you, okay? Got it. Regulate, relate, reason.

Let me ask you to relate to me by sharing my perspective. Which makes you a helper, not a solver. Third ingredient, let's problem solve. And if at any point in that process, they get upset with you or shut down, just go right back to the bottom of the brain, the first ingredient. Let me re-regulate you. Let me remind you, here's what I heard from you, okay? Got it. Regulate, relate, reason.

Let me ask you to relate to me by sharing my perspective. Which makes you a helper, not a solver. Third ingredient, let's problem solve. And if at any point in that process, they get upset with you or shut down, just go right back to the bottom of the brain, the first ingredient. Let me re-regulate you. Let me remind you, here's what I heard from you, okay? Got it. Regulate, relate, reason.