Elf

Elf on a shelf wants to play. Come and find me before the break of day.

Hide and seek. Find me before sunrise, or your whole family dies.

Hide and seek.

You lost.

It's so fucking ridiculous, the city's become.

We got a plate of rugula.

Rugula.

I thought that was stop for a minute.

Presents.

It's Travis Kelsey's beer. Garage beer.

Yeah, we got fucking lit.

By the way, we had another big guest bail last minute. Who? It was going to be a big surprise. He was going to come out of a box. The Rizzler bailed on us today. No, he didn't.

Why did the Rizzler bail?

Why did the Rizzler bail? Homework? I don't know. Maybe he got shot. Oh, who's the Rizzler? Stand by. Who's the Rizzler?

Thank you for being here. Now, you're known for the Riz face.

Pull up a picture of me with him. All right, yeah.

Look at that little fucking nugget. That's great. This guy stood us up. This is rough. He's pretty big.

John Stampinato.

All right. Is this directed by a homeless pimp? I think it is. No?

He does!

No, I want to hear Riz rap. Yeah, get to the Riz. Is this copywritten?

No. He's DeRosa approved already. No. DeRosa wanted to hate the Rizzler, but even he can't resist his charm. Yeah, he's a kid. He's a nice kid.

Do you think we get homeless pimp shot? I think so.

Yeah, I told you.

Calling on behalf of my client. Same joke. Fuck off. Sorry. I know he's a monster and he's going to kill me, but this is bullshit. I heard NFL memes did this to you too. Yeah, whatever.

I think he's a maniac.

Oh, wow.

You know?

Shouldn't have told me that. Charlie told all of his friends he was meeting the Rizzler. I even told my bully. You hate to hear that for the kid. Yeah.

Huh? Deny, defend DeRosa. Hey, DDD. I like it.

Is this nothing? Yeah. There's no discrimination against Italians anymore.

It's hilarious. They're great, right?

You're like me at the jelly roll.

He said it like he was the last cowboy. I didn't mean it like that.

That's the magic. That's the magic.

No.

Place both hands out for me.

I'm sorry.

Supposed to be the shit attention span trying to do magic here. Wow. What does it say?

That was good.

Damn it. Whoa, what are you paying this guy?

I really want to do it. All right, let's do it.

One, two, three, four, five, six.