Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
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It's a shame you're not a father because you would kill it. There's still time. He said he doesn't want it. Yeah. Imagine you had a lawn. This lawn would be unbelievable. Your neighbors would hate you.
Look at those hands. He could grab a wrist. Oh, yeah. Remember when a dad would grab a wrist, you were in trouble? Hate the wrist. And place it on his cock. Yeah. Make them finish you to completion.
Those were the days. The worst was back of the neck. If you got a back of the neck, you were going right to hell. Yeah, not good. No, I caught my parents fucking. Really? Yeah, I joined in. And he started choking you? Yeah. And then you came. We all came, I'll tell you. He went front of the neck.
Yeah, I love this time of year, man.
Oh, it's the best. It's the best of the year. I don't know. Well, you got eight nights.
Yeah.
Crazy nights.
Eight crazy nights. But I love Christmas. A little all-day NBA on Christmas. We got football now, too. I mean, this is a good time. Order a little Chinese food. Hell, yeah. Watch my Knickerbockers. Yeah.
You can't beat it. I mean, the guy with the Santa guy with the bell, the tree in Rockefeller, the ice skating, the hobo pissing with the dirty Santa hat.
The hobo pissing is what does it for me. Oh, yeah. Good times. And it really is. You feel the cheer. People are in good spirits.
Yeah. I'm going to the family, the wife's family, and they got kids running around. Without the kids, it's kind of sad, to be honest.
That's a good point. I guess my life is sad.
Yeah. No one wanted to tell you. No. I mean, obviously, Christmas is great, but when you got these kids running around, they're ripping open the presents. They're like, oh, my God, a Nintendo or whatever kids are playing with. No, kids do help. Oh, yeah. Halloween, obviously, kids. Oh, look what we got here. Oh, we got to talk about this.
Everything about my picture is better than yours, by the way.
Everything. Better lighting. He's smiling.
For those listening, Matt Salacuse is holding up my picture with Larry David next to Mark's.
Yeah.
Yeah, Larry does not look happy in yours. I got a smile.
Oh, yeah. He hated it. I mean, I told the story. I want to hear your story.
So I'm in Austin. My agent reps Larry David now for live events. This is why we're having more trouble selling tickets on the road. We're going up against everybody. Yeah. Not just comics now. It's, you know, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Right. It's comedians. I know. Hawk Tua is doing a tour. You see that? I didn't. Yeah. She's out there. She's only taking money in Hawk Tua coin. spit going yeah yeah so uh yeah i'm at the show and the same agent who introed you is kind of like hey uh pimple you want you want to meet him and i was like only if i'm not annoying him okay i don't want to this is my nightmare and i'm extra nervous because i know mark's story and i'm just like You know, it was a fun show. Susie Essman and J.B. Smoove come out.
Whoa.
Jeff Schaefer from Curb and Seinfeld.
Hell yeah.
He's, you know, running the interview. Yeah. And it's funny. It's Larry's being hilarious. Some stories we've heard, the George Fired story, but then there's so many other funny stories. I mean, you saw the show. Did you see the Q&A?
Yeah. That was the highlight.
That was the highlight because people are so, man, it's like, by the way, you really do realize what his fan base is. And man, if there was a Nazi in there, he would have lost his mind. You just hear voices behind me like, I go to the store the other day, this happened. I'm like, oh my God, this is his fan base. It's us, we're just complaining. The guy sits next to me and just starts complaining instantly. I'm like, it's Weiner's.
Well, he made it an art, you know? But whining is not an art. He's just great at it. He's great at it. Yeah, it's like a barroom boxer. You go, fuck this guy. He's an asshole. But you put him in a ring, and he's a genius.
It's so true. But then everyone there thinks they've got the charisma because they're whining. Yes. You get a lot of people. One guy said, hey, we'd love to hear your rendition of These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty. And Larry just goes. Nah.
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