Erin Holland

And there's so many shades of grey.

And I think it's nice to see him finally start to let down those walls and maybe believe that this is actually going to work too.

Because it's really sad when you've had such a long journey going

I'm sure people can relate but we did the whole hide the phone and film the reaction when you see the positive pregnancy test just to turn around and delete it a couple of weeks later because it doesn't eventuate and even obviously the most recent time where it has eventuated it's a really hard video to look back on because we're both not actually that excited because it's like we've been here before so many times and we've always ended up crushed and disappointed so

It's nice to see him start to, yeah, break down those own walls and get excited.

And every time I feel something now, I'm like, babe, come feel this.

And by the time he gets over, of course, I've decided to lay dormant again.

But I look forward to the moment that I see the light in his eyes kind of turn back on and realize that it's real.

And for that reason, just because I think so many people have rode this journey with us and I've always been very open about when things haven't worked out, but I've always wanted to have the,

beautiful surprise of actually telling people that that you are pregnant we've not really let too many people in I think just for fear and guarding ourselves and our hearts and and not letting anyone else down because you already feel let down enough in your own body and your own experience when it's just you guys so now that it's out there maybe it'll start feeling yeah a bit more real

Exactly.

Well, given that this does actually progress the way that we hope it does, there is apprehension there because I feel like I was a card-carrying member of this infertility club for such a long time.

It's been a five-year journey, 37 years old now, which is by no means out of the realms of possibility of having a baby, particularly these days with how wonderful modern medicine is.

But there is a bit of guilt there and a bit of apprehension of wanting to

just be so sensitive to how the information comes out because I know what it's like to sit and scroll through or pick up a newspaper or a magazine and just feel like you're inundated with success stories when it just feels like all you're hitting are dead ends and I just want to say to those people that I

absolutely know everything that you're feeling.

And when the time is right, sometimes the positive stories from people who you know have gone through it can actually be really comforting and actually give you some hope because hope is the only thing that keeps you going when you've been through it for that long.

So I just hope that anyone that's going through it, there'll be people who are better off than me and people who are a lot worse off than me, but everyone's journey with infertility is

really, really shitty, for want of a better word, and everyone has their things.

But I hope that this story at least might be one of, yeah, a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel when it feels like you're just in the abyss and you're buying –