Erin Holland

The odds were against me as well.

As my new doctor said, you know, by five healthy embryo transfers and by healthy, I mean genetically tested, you had a 95% chance of conceiving and you still haven't.

So your mind is just literally everywhere.

And so I guess I went into it like I always do.

And we very nearly canceled this cycle as well.

My lining was terrible.

which is something else that I've struggled to make as well.

They really like your lining to be at a certain thickness.

I don't have a cycle with my polycystic ovary, so everything is medicated.

At this point, I pretty much just given up.

I felt like I was just flinging stuff against a wall and seeing what stuck.

And I'm not going to say I was relaxed because I absolutely wasn't.

And the whole like, just relax, it'll work, just makes you want to strangle people when they say that.

But I think I just...

what will be will be and somehow lucky number seven was it.

like I'm still quite dissociated.

And as I said at the beginning, when I did cry telling you out loud,

I don't feel like this is real and I don't think like I'm ever going to feel like this is real until the bubba is physically here and I think they're the scars that never leave you is that stress and that lived experience of things do go wrong in this space and no one's journey is easy.

You know, you might not struggle getting pregnant but then you have a really difficult pregnancy or a difficult birth or birth trauma or something

god forbid a sick child or there's just there's so many things like it's not it's not easy for anybody and I do I do really think that I'm I've really struggled to try and connect with everything because I am very dissociated and I'm very lucky it's the only time I've ever used that word in this entire journey but I've had so far I'm knocking on all the wood me too