Esther Perel

A secretive relationship,

which is the core structure of an affair, an emotional connection to one degree or another, and a sexual alchemy.

And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving can be as powerful and as enchanting as ours of actual lovemaking.

As Marcel Proust said, it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.

So it's never been easier to cheat, and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret.

And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll.

When marriage was an economic enterprise,

infidelity threatened our economic security.

But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security.

Ironically, we used to turn to adultery.

That was the space where we sought pure love.

But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it.

Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today.

We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs.

To be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal.

And I am it.

I'm chosen.

I'm unique.

I'm indispensable.

I'm irreplaceable.