Esther Perel

But it doesn't have to be always the people that you grew up with. Right. Because they're not always your best community either.

But it doesn't have to be always the people that you grew up with. Right. Because they're not always your best community either.

Right. I tend to not like, first of all, the concept of single and coupled. Because today you're single and tomorrow you're not. And today you're coupled and tomorrow you're single. There's a lot much more fluidity these days. But what I do know is this. We live with belief systems. Relationships are stories. Everyone here has a story about your relationship.

Right. I tend to not like, first of all, the concept of single and coupled. Because today you're single and tomorrow you're not. And today you're coupled and tomorrow you're single. There's a lot much more fluidity these days. But what I do know is this. We live with belief systems. Relationships are stories. Everyone here has a story about your relationship.

And we sometimes hold on to our stories so tightly that we confuse them with the truth. If I say there are no good men out there, if I say old people are out to get you, if I say I'm a pathological pleaser, if I say people have never cared about me properly, these stories become belief systems that become a part of my confirmation bias.

And we sometimes hold on to our stories so tightly that we confuse them with the truth. If I say there are no good men out there, if I say old people are out to get you, if I say I'm a pathological pleaser, if I say people have never cared about me properly, these stories become belief systems that become a part of my confirmation bias.

And when we have confirmation bias, it means that I'm now going to look at you and see to what extent this is going to reinforce my belief. And then I'm going to disregard evidence of the rest. So, check your assumptions. That's the first thing on the chain. What are your fundamental beliefs with which you enter relationships? And to what extent do you find yourself busy proving that they're true?

And when we have confirmation bias, it means that I'm now going to look at you and see to what extent this is going to reinforce my belief. And then I'm going to disregard evidence of the rest. So, check your assumptions. That's the first thing on the chain. What are your fundamental beliefs with which you enter relationships? And to what extent do you find yourself busy proving that they're true?

Which doesn't serve you much.

Which doesn't serve you much.

Number one. Number two, when you go out on a date, don't turn them into job interviews. They've never seen something less interesting. I mean, people ask questions and then they look to see if they have butterflies. How can that work? It's the most dull kind of encounter. This weird thing that I see has happened, but you go out to date, as this is if you get a date,

Number one. Number two, when you go out on a date, don't turn them into job interviews. They've never seen something less interesting. I mean, people ask questions and then they look to see if they have butterflies. How can that work? It's the most dull kind of encounter. This weird thing that I see has happened, but you go out to date, as this is if you get a date,

You know, because they had that other experience. And then you have to come back to your life to tell them if you won the lottery or not. And you come back with your shame or with your emptiness. It's dreadful. You know, there was something useful in the other model, the old model. You date, you meet somebody, you bring them to your life. You meet them with your friends.

You know, because they had that other experience. And then you have to come back to your life to tell them if you won the lottery or not. And you come back with your shame or with your emptiness. It's dreadful. You know, there was something useful in the other model, the old model. You date, you meet somebody, you bring them to your life. You meet them with your friends.

You'll have a thousand data points. Far more interesting than sitting in some noisy bar and trying to ask questions. This integration, if the date doesn't work, the date is gone and the friends are here and you continue your life. This is not about the building of the relationship, but it's about the dating itself. The next thing is that we have a thing in relationships that's very interesting.

You'll have a thousand data points. Far more interesting than sitting in some noisy bar and trying to ask questions. This integration, if the date doesn't work, the date is gone and the friends are here and you continue your life. This is not about the building of the relationship, but it's about the dating itself. The next thing is that we have a thing in relationships that's very interesting.

It's called fundamental attribution error.

It's called fundamental attribution error.

It goes like this. I am complicated and complex. You are simple. When you come late, It's because you don't care. When I come late, it's because there were circumstances in my life to explain why I am late. Mine is circumstantial. Yours is characterological.

It goes like this. I am complicated and complex. You are simple. When you come late, It's because you don't care. When I come late, it's because there were circumstances in my life to explain why I am late. Mine is circumstantial. Yours is characterological.