Gabby Windey

Why don't you look me in my face and anoint me a global leader then?

Why don't you take a look at my strap-on drawer and tell me I'm not a lesbian who cares about water-based silicone?

Not here, lubricant weeper.

Prefer coconut oil.

And this is science.

So, so you bet your ass I sent an email.

I sent an email and, you know, because I was using the fascia blaster, hoping to reverse that every golden Oreo I've ever eaten, which causes that goddamn cellulite and keeps you down for the rest of your life.

Let me read you the email.

Okay.

I said...

That's a Diet Coke.

My name is Gabby Wendy, and I recently received the Fascia Blaster.

I've used it twice.

The first time I used it, Friday the date, for about a minute on each leg above the knee, hamstring, and on the glute.

I saw no complications then.

The second time I used it was the next day, dated, for about a minute and a half on the previously mentioned locations.

I used it a little harder, but nothing that hurt or seemed problematic.

She said you can use it hard in the directions, but just don't get to a seven, it says.

The next day, insert date, I woke up with severe swelling and the appearance of massively increased cellulite.

The appearance of swelling has gone down a bit but is still painful to touch slash swollen in the fascia today.