Ian Smith

It's given me a craving for grass and an attraction towards bulls that I cannot explain or resist.

I've learned everything I know about relaxation by copying and pasting a How to Stop Smoking book into Word, finding all the uses of the word smoking, smoke, or cigarettes, and replaced them with being stressed.

I found this works perfectly fine advice-wise.

That's why now, if ever I feel like going outside to have a few being stresseds, I put a pencil in my mouth to replicate the feeling of being stressed.

And if anyone offers me a being stressed, I simply say, I don't being stressed anymore.

I've also started wearing a nicotine patch and I chew nicotine gum and cards on the table.

I am addicted to both of those things.

This week, I'll be talking about moving house and my transition into the world of being middle class.

And I've always been a working class northerner.

That's who I was.

I've never been middle class.

I remember the first time someone asked me if I had a B day.

I'm like, yeah, 13th of September, every year.

We've all got B days.

And I think this is a good example of my working class background.

And the first line of this story is going to make it sound like I'm about to tell you something far more traumatic than I am.

So when I was in primary school, a teacher blindfolded all the kids and made us touch some fruit.

No, that is what happened.

It was fruit.

It was only fruit.