James Cordova

So the it can be the pattern that emerges out of a naturally occurring difference between the two of us.

It's not your fault.

And it's not my fault.

It is this emergent property's fault.

So I alluded to this pattern of the spender and saver earlier.

And in that pattern, one partner realizes that what I want so desperately is I want to feel like I'm not living just to work.

I want to be able to take the money, the resources that I earn to feel abundance in my life.

And the other partner...

The saver partner feels more like the emotional meaning of money is a safety net.

And in these relationships, when the spender partner, the partner who is seeking a feeling of abundance, goes to the store to buy something that feels yummy, it feels to the other partner like they're pulling strands out of their safety net.

And they panic and say terrible things about how much money they spend and how they can't control their budget and can't they do math.

And when the other partner, when the saver partner is taking the money that they have and squirreling it away in a soup can in the backyard –

The spender partner feels like, oh, we're just in this dark little hole where no light or color ever gets in.

That kind of pattern...

can create so much distress and conflict between partners.

But when we can recognize that for one partner, it's driven by fear, and for the other partner, it's driven by a sense of lack, then we're in a better position to be able to like, well, how do I take care of my partner who's a little bit afraid?

Let me compassionately, generously

put money in our savings account to show that what scares you matters to me.

And when I can compassionately understand that my partner needs that color, needs that feeling of abundance, then I can compassionately be generous toward my partner by making sure that we are spending some of our money to do things that are making memories and having joyful times together.

Exactly.