James Cordova

We're sort of like porcupines.

When we're having conflict, we pull our quills out, we push our quills out, and we go toward our partner.

The sense inside of that is, I'm going to resolve this problem myself.

By moving towards it and fighting it.

And for others of us, we're more like turtles.

We've learned something more of a flight response to feeling pain.

So when we're feeling that stress of conflict or judgment, we get quiet.

We pull inside.

Sometimes it's just getting quiet.

Sometimes it's actually literally leaving the room.

And the pattern emerges such that it can happen in either direction.

If the turtle feels the porcupine's quills coming out, they start to withdraw.

That withdrawal feels threatening to the porcupine, so that person pursues even harder with their quills out even more aggressively, which makes the other person pull into their shell even more deeply.

And it's frustrating for both of them, right?

The person in the shell is waiting for the porcupine to stop poking me.

And the person who's in the porcupine role is just desperate for the other person to come back out of their shell.

And we can engage that kind of porcupine-turtle pattern until we're exhausted.

And that's, for most couples, how the pattern resolves.

We just do it till we're too tired to do it anymore.

This is a couple that I've seen somewhat regularly.