James Cordova

They come in, I would say, once a year or so.

And almost always initiated, you know, coming into therapy will be initiated by her because she is feeling so hurt by his behavior.

his requests for, his demands for, his not particularly skillful encouragement for her to exercise more, become more fit, watch what she eats, right?

And he has this image in mind of a particular kind of physique that he says, I mean, I can't help it.

This is just what I'm attracted to.

And his wife is...

actually quite fit she's just normal woman fit not like supermodel fit and and and um they will get stuck in this place where um you know she tries to appease she tries to go along she tries to resist and he just is projecting this experience of frustration and disappointment honestly tinged with a little bit of shame

And they can't get themselves out of this pattern when it gets sticky for them.

Oh, absolutely.

So her strong attempts are to help him see that this is what a normal person's fit body looks like, to get him to let go of that desire, or at least to, I suppose, if he can't let go of it, to keep it to himself.

That is our natural instinct, right?

Like, I'm feeling uncomfortable.

I'm feeling some distress.

And you're the problem.

And if you would change, I would feel better.

And so, yeah, of course, that's the way couples come in.

That's what they're asking for.

And warm-hearted, beneficent therapists tried to meet them right there in the thing that they were asking for.

It's true.

I was originally trained in what was called behavioral marital therapy, which was very much a change-oriented approach to doing couple therapy.