James Cordova

And in these relationships, when the spender partner, the partner who is seeking a feeling of abundance, goes to the store to buy something that feels yummy, it feels to the other partner like they're pulling strands out of their safety net.

And they panic and say terrible things about how much money they spend and how they can't control their budget and can't they do math.

And when the other partner, when the saver partner is taking the money that they have and squirreling it away in a soup can in the backyard –

The spender partner feels like, oh, we're just in this dark little hole where no light or color ever gets in.

That kind of pattern...

can create so much distress and conflict between partners.

But when we can recognize that for one partner, it's driven by fear, and for the other partner, it's driven by a sense of lack, then we're in a better position to be able to like, well, how do I take care of my partner who's a little bit afraid?

Let me compassionately, generously

put money in our savings account to show that what scares you matters to me.

And when I can compassionately understand that my partner needs that color, needs that feeling of abundance, then I can compassionately be generous toward my partner by making sure that we are spending some of our money to do things that are making memories and having joyful times together.

Exactly.

And there's a deep sense of both generosity and I think humility in that stance.

Like we're all just doing our best out here, right?

This complicated collection of things that I'm super proud of about who I am and the way in which I'm really just a rolling dumpster fire, right?

And what elicits that deep sense of intimacy and intimate safety in a relationship is knowing that my partner can see what a dumpster fire I am

And is accepting of that.

Like loves me, again, not even anyway, but almost because.

And when I can offer that to her, that is a, that's a relationship that will stand the test of time.

Yeah.

One of the things that I remember...