Jennifer Breheny Wallace

I'm not saying to let people off the hook, but I'm saying instead of getting furious and judgmental when people are acting out,

you might get curious what is it that when are they feeling like they don't matter what might be going on in this person's life and again i'm not saying that you have to excuse it but instead maybe you can meet it with a little bit of compassion there are so many people today struggling with this unmet need to matter and it shows up in anger it shows up in loneliness it shows up in disengagement at work

these symptoms that we often look at as kind of separate things are really rooted in mattering, in feeling like I don't matter.

I think that is a great question.

And what I will say is it was first studied mattering in 1981.

So I don't have data before that day, but I could be pretty assured that back 50 years ago,

People struggled with mattering less and here's why here's why I believe that is there were Ecosystems there were neighborhoods close-knit neighborhoods people had a social contract at work Where if you worked and you were loyal for 40 years, you would be rewarded with a pension people felt more connected there were

We were a more religious society, and all the major religions talk about this idea of unconditional worth, unconditional value.

So what has happened over the last several decades is that these ecosystems that used to deliver mattering,

religious institutions, neighborhoods, workplaces, communities, those have eroded.

And so when we are struggling with feeling like we don't matter, we feel it so personally.

We do not have backup systems to remind us of our worth.

So instead, it makes us feel even more isolated.

So I do think, and by the way, I think tech,

has fueled this erosion of mattering and magnified it.

When you go to Silicon Valley, all of the companies, the startup tech companies talk about a frictionless experience.

that they want the customer to be able to press a button and get their food, get their product.

Things should be easy.

This frictionless life that tech is trying to deliver for us has really lowered our tolerance for friction in our everyday lives.

And what are relationships?