Jessica Williams

You know what it feels like, actually? It feels like the Eagles fans thought they were going to lose, so they planned a riot, but then they won, and they didn't want to let a good riot go to waste. They're like, yeah, let's do it anyway. I love this city! Yeah! I mean, they were jumping on top of the awning at the Ritz Carlton. How did they even get up there?

You know what it feels like, actually? It feels like the Eagles fans thought they were going to lose, so they planned a riot, but then they won, and they didn't want to let a good riot go to waste. They're like, yeah, let's do it anyway. I love this city! Yeah! I mean, they were jumping on top of the awning at the Ritz Carlton. How did they even get up there?

Can you imagine, can you imagine how terrified the fancy rich people in the Ritz Carlton were? Like, just people outside, they must be like, dear Lord, Margaret, Margaret, Margaret, the revolution is happening. It's happening, Margaret, hide the silver, hide the silver. Like it's, you know, it's hard enough for me to understand why happy people are burning things and trashing cars.

Can you imagine, can you imagine how terrified the fancy rich people in the Ritz Carlton were? Like, just people outside, they must be like, dear Lord, Margaret, Margaret, Margaret, the revolution is happening. It's happening, Margaret, hide the silver, hide the silver. Like it's, you know, it's hard enough for me to understand why happy people are burning things and trashing cars.

Like that's already strange to me. But one fan was so excited that for some reason, and this is a real thing, he got so excited he was eating horse shit. What the hell? Like, I never thought I would say this, but we found the one guy who actually needs to eat Tide Pods. We found him. Congratulations, Eagles.

Like that's already strange to me. But one fan was so excited that for some reason, and this is a real thing, he got so excited he was eating horse shit. What the hell? Like, I never thought I would say this, but we found the one guy who actually needs to eat Tide Pods. We found him. Congratulations, Eagles.

Let's kick it off with the Super Bowl. Yesterday's big game was very exciting. Like, I don't know why they don't just make every football game the Super Bowl, you know? That way you get more people watching. And the best thing about it is, even if you don't like the sport, you're bound to find something else exciting.

Let's kick it off with the Super Bowl. Yesterday's big game was very exciting. Like, I don't know why they don't just make every football game the Super Bowl, you know? That way you get more people watching. And the best thing about it is, even if you don't like the sport, you're bound to find something else exciting.

Okay, okay, okay. There are two ways to see this. Either you can be mad because this guy wasted a lot of money just to miss an incredible experience, or you can see it as this dude bawling out so hard, he spent $7,000 just to take a nap. That's a surf. But seriously, how chaotic is this guy's life? That he's like, I need to go to the Super Bowl just so I can have a quiet place to sleep.

Okay, okay, okay. There are two ways to see this. Either you can be mad because this guy wasted a lot of money just to miss an incredible experience, or you can see it as this dude bawling out so hard, he spent $7,000 just to take a nap. That's a surf. But seriously, how chaotic is this guy's life? That he's like, I need to go to the Super Bowl just so I can have a quiet place to sleep.

Like, how noisy is his home? He must have, like, 13 kids, and every one of them is Bernie Sanders. Dead! Dead! Dead! I can't find my toys! The DNC stole them from me! Dead! Dead! But we're just kidding around. This guy is clearly dead. Now, um, the big moment from last night that everyone was talking about, or raving about, rather, was J-Lo and Shakira. They killed it. They really killed it.

Like, how noisy is his home? He must have, like, 13 kids, and every one of them is Bernie Sanders. Dead! Dead! Dead! I can't find my toys! The DNC stole them from me! Dead! Dead! But we're just kidding around. This guy is clearly dead. Now, um, the big moment from last night that everyone was talking about, or raving about, rather, was J-Lo and Shakira. They killed it. They really killed it.

But some people were really pissed that J-Lo pulled out a stripper pole to do some moves. Now, look, I understand some parents might be angry because there are kids who watch the game. So for all those parents, just tell your kid J-Lo's a fireman. All right? Problem solved. Right, and here's another thing. J.Lo spent months learning how to be a professional pole dancer for her movie, Hustlers.

But some people were really pissed that J-Lo pulled out a stripper pole to do some moves. Now, look, I understand some parents might be angry because there are kids who watch the game. So for all those parents, just tell your kid J-Lo's a fireman. All right? Problem solved. Right, and here's another thing. J.Lo spent months learning how to be a professional pole dancer for her movie, Hustlers.

Let me tell you something, if I spent that much time learning how to pole dance, I would be pole dancing every chance I get. I don't care where I am, I would be doing it. I'd be in the subway like, jump on it. Let's do it. Right in my pole lift.

Let me tell you something, if I spent that much time learning how to pole dance, I would be pole dancing every chance I get. I don't care where I am, I would be doing it. I'd be in the subway like, jump on it. Let's do it. Right in my pole lift.

I'm just thankful that Roe v. Wade was finally overturned.

I'm just thankful that Roe v. Wade was finally overturned.

Try that mega shit. Try it. And I'll tell everybody in this room that you use Nana's Wi-Fi to jack off.

Try that mega shit. Try it. And I'll tell everybody in this room that you use Nana's Wi-Fi to jack off.