Jessica Williams

So department stores like Macy's created grand parades to signal to Americans it's time to start spending cash. Although back then, parade balloons weren't as cute as the ones today. You know, classics like Puff the Meth Fuel Dragon, Whimsical Drifter Murderer, and Thick Daddy Superman. Maybe they were hoping to scare people to run inside the stores? I don't know.

So department stores like Macy's created grand parades to signal to Americans it's time to start spending cash. Although back then, parade balloons weren't as cute as the ones today. You know, classics like Puff the Meth Fuel Dragon, Whimsical Drifter Murderer, and Thick Daddy Superman. Maybe they were hoping to scare people to run inside the stores? I don't know.

The point is, retailers depended on a big Christmas shopping season and were willing to do whatever it took to make it as long as possible. In fact, during the Great Depression, they even lobbied President Franklin Roosevelt to move Thanksgiving a week earlier to allow for more Christmas shopping. And after his cousin finished giving him a handjob, FDR agreed.

The point is, retailers depended on a big Christmas shopping season and were willing to do whatever it took to make it as long as possible. In fact, during the Great Depression, they even lobbied President Franklin Roosevelt to move Thanksgiving a week earlier to allow for more Christmas shopping. And after his cousin finished giving him a handjob, FDR agreed.

Eventually, they moved Thanksgiving back, but the retailers got what they wanted because over the next few decades, more and more people began their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. But the first time the day was called Black Friday was in the 1960s. It was actually coined by the Philadelphia Police Department because the day brought tons of traffic and chaos.

Eventually, they moved Thanksgiving back, but the retailers got what they wanted because over the next few decades, more and more people began their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. But the first time the day was called Black Friday was in the 1960s. It was actually coined by the Philadelphia Police Department because the day brought tons of traffic and chaos.

And for shopping to cause chaos in Philadelphia, it has to really be chaos. I once set fire to a mannequin at a Zara in Philadelphia, and they didn't even kick me out of the store. They just threw it in the burnt mannequin pile. Sorry.

And for shopping to cause chaos in Philadelphia, it has to really be chaos. I once set fire to a mannequin at a Zara in Philadelphia, and they didn't even kick me out of the store. They just threw it in the burnt mannequin pile. Sorry.

It was in the 1980s that Black Friday finally went nationwide, and it was all thanks to America's obsession with the adorable little vegetable-human monster hybrids known as the Cabbage Patch Kids. I got this one for $3,000, and I had to get punched by a lot of grandmas to get it, but it was worth it. The toys were in such high demand that it caused literal riots across America.

It was in the 1980s that Black Friday finally went nationwide, and it was all thanks to America's obsession with the adorable little vegetable-human monster hybrids known as the Cabbage Patch Kids. I got this one for $3,000, and I had to get punched by a lot of grandmas to get it, but it was worth it. The toys were in such high demand that it caused literal riots across America.

People fought their neighbors tooth and nail to pay for some lettuce-shaped plastic. But all the violence was worth it for that precious Christmas morning when their kids would open the box, see the Cabbage Patch Kid, and then play with the box. The Cabbage Patch Kid set the standard for all sorts of Black Friday crazes throughout the 90s.

People fought their neighbors tooth and nail to pay for some lettuce-shaped plastic. But all the violence was worth it for that precious Christmas morning when their kids would open the box, see the Cabbage Patch Kid, and then play with the box. The Cabbage Patch Kid set the standard for all sorts of Black Friday crazes throughout the 90s.

From Furbies to Beanie Babies to Tickle Me Elmos to countless other toys bought by newly divorced dads trying to buy their way into their kids' hearts. By 2002, nearly three quarters of all shoppers were in stores over Black Friday weekend. It was paradise for people looking for deals and robbers looking for unguarded homes.

From Furbies to Beanie Babies to Tickle Me Elmos to countless other toys bought by newly divorced dads trying to buy their way into their kids' hearts. By 2002, nearly three quarters of all shoppers were in stores over Black Friday weekend. It was paradise for people looking for deals and robbers looking for unguarded homes.

Black Friday was so successful that stores started pushing the start time back from Friday morning to Friday at midnight and then all the way back to Thanksgiving night itself. They called the new holiday Gray Thursday as a tribute to the moral gray area of abandoning your family on Thanksgiving to choke out a stranger for an Instapot. Oh, it's ready.

Black Friday was so successful that stores started pushing the start time back from Friday morning to Friday at midnight and then all the way back to Thanksgiving night itself. They called the new holiday Gray Thursday as a tribute to the moral gray area of abandoning your family on Thanksgiving to choke out a stranger for an Instapot. Oh, it's ready.

And throughout this time, Black Friday doorbuster sales became more dangerous as consumers turned every big box store into a big octagon arena. It got so bad that in 2011, you were statistically more likely to be injured in a Black Friday sale than from a shark attack. Unless that shark is also at the Black Friday sale, and then it depends on whoever wants that blender more. Got it!

And throughout this time, Black Friday doorbuster sales became more dangerous as consumers turned every big box store into a big octagon arena. It got so bad that in 2011, you were statistically more likely to be injured in a Black Friday sale than from a shark attack. Unless that shark is also at the Black Friday sale, and then it depends on whoever wants that blender more. Got it!

But sadly, the good times and horrific injuries couldn't last forever. With the dawn of online shopping, Black Friday became less relevant than the newer, shinier, two-day premiere holiday that took its place. Along came Cyber Monday, an easier way to score deals while avoiding the mobs at in-person stores. It's just another way technology has pulled us further apart.

But sadly, the good times and horrific injuries couldn't last forever. With the dawn of online shopping, Black Friday became less relevant than the newer, shinier, two-day premiere holiday that took its place. Along came Cyber Monday, an easier way to score deals while avoiding the mobs at in-person stores. It's just another way technology has pulled us further apart.