TDS Time Machine | Surviving Thanksgiving and Black Friday
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What are some Thanksgiving conversation tips?
Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and that means getting together with family members who you might not see eye to eye with. But this Thanksgiving, Leslie Jones will come to your house and politely interject when the conversation becomes political.
I'm just thankful that Roe v. Wade was finally overturned.
That's the conversation you want to start right now at this table while everybody's happy during Thanksgiving. Why are we trying to be happy? You know what? Have some dry ass turkey and shut the fuck up. The way I see it is your generation are all a bunch of lazy socialists. Who is you calling lazy? You can't even bring proper pie to Thanksgiving. And stop kissing the kids in the mouth. That's nasty. They don't like that.
Plus, Leslie can help prevent annoying conversations before they even begin.
Try that mega shit. Try it. And I'll tell everybody in this room that you use Nana's Wi-Fi to jack off.
And if that doesn't work, Leslie goes back to basics. I'll just say, these transgender people... Ah! Ah! Ah! I just... Ah! Can I have some of this stuff?
I feel... Ah! Leslie will even stop by the kids' table to teach them how to shout down problematic relatives.
No, no, okay, look, from the diaphragm. You ready? One, two, three.
Talking to your family is hard. Watching Leslie Jones shut them down is easy.
And I think it should be acknowledged that this dinner is taking place on Cherokee land.
How does Ozempic influence Thanksgiving dinner?
Shut up! All this land is Cherokee. If we talking about, can you spell indigenous? You can't even spell it, can you? Shut up! Don't agree with me. Shut up. Who invited me to this?
Available for all holidays where family are included.
Michael, how will Ozempic affect Thanksgiving this year?
Well, it definitely comes with its own problems. If everyone in the family is eating less, that means most of the food is going to waste, unless you take it to the homeless shelter. But come on, that's like a 20-minute drive. Okay, but I mean, I guess the family could just make less food. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go that far, okay? There's actually a much better solution. Glutenol. It's a new drug that dramatically increases your appetite during the 24 hours of Thanksgiving. You inject Ozempic into your thigh, you inject Glutinol into your neck, and boom, you're deep-throating Aunt Karen's fingerlings all night long.
Yeah, okay, but isn't that gonna up your metabolism? Oh yeah, big time.
If only there was a drug that could fix that. Well, guess what? It's called Compoxo. You pop a couple of these pills up your butt and your metabolism is evened out for the day.
Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Costa, you're putting these drugs up your butt at Thanksgiving table? Won't that weird out your family? Oh, it will. Which is why you'll have to drug your family.
Introducing Happy Narol. It sends everyone's oxytocin levels through the roof. Just slip a tablespoon of this in the gravy boat and let the hugging begin.
Okay, wait, isn't oxytocin the hormone that makes people horny?
Yes, yeah, a family orgy is a possible side effect. Which is why you need Demerolin. Just put a few drops in your eyes and voila, you're as flaccid and dry as grandma's brisket. Now, you do have to take it at the same time as the butt pills, otherwise you'll die. Okay, okay.
Costa, stop, okay? This is dumb. Instead of people taking all these drugs, why can't they just not eat as much?
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry that some of us need a little help to eat less and then eat more and then talk to our family without having sex with them.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry, okay? I guess I just wish there was a way people could enjoy life without putting drugs in their veins and up their butts. Well, there is, Ronnie. Introducing cocaine.
Cocaine is one of the... Enough, enough. Michael Kosta, everyone.
Welcome back. As you know, Thanksgiving is a time, a blessed time of year. We all give thanks for our families and our health and prepare to beat the out of people to go shopping. Jessica Williams has more.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What are some Thanksgiving conversation tips?
0:12–2:01
2
How does Ozempic influence Thanksgiving dinner?
2:01–5:33
3
What are the impacts of Black Friday on shoppers?
5:33–6:06
4
How does racial profiling affect Black shoppers?
6:06–7:14
5
What humorous solutions are suggested for family gatherings?
7:14–18:31
Speakers
5 identifiedMore from The Daily Show: Ears Edition
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