Jillian Turecki
speaker
1,450 appearances
11 recordings
9 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Apr 2025
Jillian Turecki’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
She's so divorced from her body. So she's divorced from the signs that her body is giving her that everything is all wrong. And she lives inside her head. And we're saying she, but this could be really anyone. She lives inside her head. And all she's fixated on is being enough for this other person or making sure that this person never leaves them. That's pretty low.
Again, there's a spectrum to this, but it's pretty low.
Yes, because there's so much here that I want to touch on.
Yes. And we're going to go into a deep dive into that. But first, I want to say something. This idea that you have to be two fully whole, healed people to come together to form a healthy relationship is not true. And it's actually, we cannot, we can't continue to spread that. We wanna be healing.
You wanna be a work in progress. You wanna be self-aware. You wanna be working on your stuff. And you want to do that with someone who wants to do that with you too.
And they're not, absolutely.
Absolutely.
Yeah. And sometimes what that is, is literally like, what am I doing in the relationship? to communicate more.
Yeah, it takes so much courage. It's not just what am I doing in the therapy office. What am I doing when I'm sitting on the couch with my loved one, with my partner, and they're having a hard day, and I don't really feel like listening to it. I'm tired, not in the mood. Am I going to kind of lose presence and not pay attention when they're having a hard day because I'm not in the mood?
Or am I going to take a deep breath and show up for my partner even though I'm not in the mood? That's healing. Because in those moments, you're overcoming and you're breaking patterns that you did in the past that did not help your relationship. And you are being a better person inside of the relationship. That's healing.
And you actually gain a stronger sense of self when you do things that are good for you and good for your relationship. When you do things that challenge you, rather than, you know, it's like, the road less traveled, the easy route, you're never going to build your sense of wholeness and your self-esteem. You have to do things that challenge you. It's one of the things I talk about in the book.
You have to do some things that challenge you. And so it's in those seemingly very insignificant moments in a relationship where you're like, oh, I can go this way, which is just like, what I've always done. Or I can go this way even though I'm not in the mood. I'm going to make the choice to go this way. And you feel better about yourself because you've transcended something in yourself.
And then that's healing. That healing is happening there. So this idea that some people definitely need a timeout and they need to do work on themselves. I know you did that. I mean, lots of people have to do that. I've done that. Plenty of people I've said, you are not ready to be in a relationship. You are not ready. But other people, it's like, okay, you're ready enough.
And the rest you're going to have to do when you're with the person because you learn, because... We how can we build our sense of self-esteem and self-worth and self-acceptance if we're not bouncing off the reflection of other people and how they see us? We know we don't exist in a vacuum. So people often ask me, well, how do you know you're ready? How do you know you've healed enough?
How do you know you're ready for a relationship? Well, I mean, there's a lot of when you were number one, when you realize that there is no the one. You choose who the one will be, and you're going to have to make that choice many times throughout your relationship.
Because if you're thinking 10, 20, 30, 40, the rest of your life with someone, you could love them and you can have a great relationship, but you think there's not going to be days where you actually have to choose love? Of course. You're ready for a relationship when you realize there is just no one who's perfect. And you are going to have to decide.
You have to know what is tolerable versus what is intolerable. Because you have to have a lot of tolerance. Because we are complex. We can be highly annoying. We can be highly weird. We've got our stuff. We've got neuroses. We've got our stuff. What are your deal breakers? What's absolutely intolerable? And can you tolerate the rest?
impressive, beautiful, long-lasting relationships, they are not judgmental. They're not tolerating garbage from the other person. Yeah, disrespect. No, no, no, no. But they're just not judgmental of all the other stuff.
Not everyone is. I mean, well, you start with being less judgmental of yourself. The people who are hardest on themselves tend to be the hardest on others. And then, yeah, so you have to check it. You have to have a lot of tolerance. You have to keep, it's all, it all begins with self-awareness. Your awareness of yourself, like, oh, am I doing that thing again? But yes,
As you heal, do you feel more whole? Absolutely. Do we ever feel 100% whole? I don't know. I think that we have so many different parts to ourselves. The goal is to be less fragmented, but I don't know if we're ever going to be 100% healed. But yes, as we heal, we feel more centered. Another word for that is more integrated, more whole, all of that. And
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