Jillian Turecki

I really want to put out there that no one truly has the answer to that, but there's some really good theories. So one theory, when someone is not paying as much attention to us, that could trigger attraction. And one of the reasons is, well, maybe they are like, maybe there's something really special about them.

And so we put them on a pedestal and where we are on the spectrum of our self-esteem impacts that greatly. So if we are on the lower end of self-esteem, then we are going to meet people often and think that they are better than us. if our self-esteem is on the healthy level, then we kind of are like, well, I'm not better than anyone else. And no one's really better than me. We are all one, right?

And so we put them on a pedestal and where we are on the spectrum of our self-esteem impacts that greatly. So if we are on the lower end of self-esteem, then we are going to meet people often and think that they are better than us. if our self-esteem is on the healthy level, then we kind of are like, well, I'm not better than anyone else. And no one's really better than me. We are all one, right?

And then there, of course, there's the grandiosity, which is they think everyone is sort of below them in some way. But the people who I work with and most of the problems, and I think the people who probably write into you, there's more of a lower self-esteem issue happening where they put someone up on a pedestal and and they project unconsciously their ideal partner onto this person.

And then there, of course, there's the grandiosity, which is they think everyone is sort of below them in some way. But the people who I work with and most of the problems, and I think the people who probably write into you, there's more of a lower self-esteem issue happening where they put someone up on a pedestal and and they project unconsciously their ideal partner onto this person.

Maybe this person looks exactly like a childhood crush or like, you know, the actor who they were always in love with. Or maybe there is just something about them and their vibe that they're like, this is the person that I want. And, and, or maybe it's their job. The things on the surface are

Maybe this person looks exactly like a childhood crush or like, you know, the actor who they were always in love with. Or maybe there is just something about them and their vibe that they're like, this is the person that I want. And, and, or maybe it's their job. The things on the surface are

People will then think, I must get this person because if I get this person, then I'm actually getting everything that I've ever wanted in a partner on the surface. If I get this person, I'm validated. I'm going to have a good life, right? So it's all an illusion. It truly is all an illusion. Then there's like the deeper childhood wounds of my father was very rejecting.

People will then think, I must get this person because if I get this person, then I'm actually getting everything that I've ever wanted in a partner on the surface. If I get this person, I'm validated. I'm going to have a good life, right? So it's all an illusion. It truly is all an illusion. Then there's like the deeper childhood wounds of my father was very rejecting.

I'm putting this in the context just because I'm a woman who dates men. So I'm just thinking more, but it could be, you know, obviously whoever you date, but if one of your parents was rejecting of you and that's all you ever knew. And so you never really felt good enough. So actually in dating and in love, you

I'm putting this in the context just because I'm a woman who dates men. So I'm just thinking more, but it could be, you know, obviously whoever you date, but if one of your parents was rejecting of you and that's all you ever knew. And so you never really felt good enough. So actually in dating and in love, you

Your sort of like center of gravity psychologically is I work really hard to earn love as opposed to understanding or being used to, no, like all I have to do is be myself and the right person is going to fall madly in love with me, right? You know, be myself with a little dosage of like, also let me check myself, right? Yeah. So people are used to that. They're used to the rejection.

Your sort of like center of gravity psychologically is I work really hard to earn love as opposed to understanding or being used to, no, like all I have to do is be myself and the right person is going to fall madly in love with me, right? You know, be myself with a little dosage of like, also let me check myself, right? Yeah. So people are used to that. They're used to the rejection.

And then again, the lower self-esteem. If they're not into me, challenge accepted. So other people are just like, there's a competitive edge. I'm going to be like, I'm going to change this person or I'm going to be the inspiration for their change or I'm going to make them notice me. There's just a conglomerate of influences around that.

And then again, the lower self-esteem. If they're not into me, challenge accepted. So other people are just like, there's a competitive edge. I'm going to be like, I'm going to change this person or I'm going to be the inspiration for their change or I'm going to make them notice me. There's just a conglomerate of influences around that.

Why are they not attracted to the person who's actually into them? Again, a lot of theories, and I think they're good ones. Fear of intimacy. And this is all unconscious. If I'm into the person who's into me, then we actually have to be in a relationship, and then I actually have to be vulnerable, and then I actually have to be emotionally available.

Why are they not attracted to the person who's actually into them? Again, a lot of theories, and I think they're good ones. Fear of intimacy. And this is all unconscious. If I'm into the person who's into me, then we actually have to be in a relationship, and then I actually have to be vulnerable, and then I actually have to be emotionally available.

And then we're going to build this thing and like, ooh, that's icky and scary. What's easier for me is to go for the person who's completely emotionally unavailable, who's actually not that into me and may not even be that nice to me, but they're hot and there's something about them. And I really want to have sex with them. And I'm just going to use that as sort of like an in.

And then we're going to build this thing and like, ooh, that's icky and scary. What's easier for me is to go for the person who's completely emotionally unavailable, who's actually not that into me and may not even be that nice to me, but they're hot and there's something about them. And I really want to have sex with them. And I'm just going to use that as sort of like an in.

There's some deeper healing needs to go on there. Like that might require therapy. That might require looking into your family of origin and trying to understand that. There could be like for a woman who's dating a man, you know, maybe she has a very misguided understanding of what it is for a man to be masculine. Right. So a woman typically is looking for lots of different things.