John Mulaney

We're going to get right in on you.

But if you're in a party and you look across the way and you're like...

really fucking drunk and i fucked that chick and i think i threw up when i was eating her pussy and oh fuck that and then she sees you and goes oh that's a guy barfed in my pussy oh fuck that and next thing you know next thing you know you're at that party believe me you two aren't getting near i mean you're talking your friend like where is she where is she where is she she left she go to the bathroom we're not going over by the punch bowl until she clears up that sense of shame is

keeps you apart.

And my parents looked at each other and went, God damn, you're so fucking pathetic.

I can't believe I ever fucked you.

Like, ugh, yuck.

And you remind me of everything that's wrong with me and how I was and how pathetic I was when I met you.

And normally there's an alpha in that group where there's the pathetic fat guy that got to bang Teresa Strasser when she was working at Islands, who doesn't mind standing next door at a party.

Look at this, buddy.

Not so bad.

I didn't do too bad for myself.

But imagine if you both felt that way.

That's how my parents felt.

So I think they're both wildly humiliated that they're ever with each other.

And thus, that's what kept one in the car while the other one waited for me to come down the porch.

No.

They both thought they got the business end of the stink stick.

Well, that's a really bad setup.

But I think in most marriages, one person, and I have to think it's my wife in this case, thinks they did better.