John Mulaney

How many times you say not so fast to somebody versus the times it's said to you?

I never said to anybody, not so fast, hot shot, because I didn't have anything.

Yeah, those reinforced knees?

Not so fast, hot shot.

All right.

He'll be missed.

Right.

And that's not in a vault.

It's out in the world, the Doritos flavor.

You don't need to go among your old, you know, microfiche.

The nectar of the tards, as I call Mountain Dew.

And I always say there needs to be a sterilization agent put into Mountain Dew and Sunny D. Right.

A sip of it's not going to render you sterile, but if you drink more than four liters of Mountain Dew a month, you cannot get impregnated.

Oh, sterilization.

It's supposed to lower your sperm count, right?

Or is that just urban legend?

I would like you to be unable to produce sperm and drop an egg at that point.

If it's overlooked, if you want to have a couple of diet dues a month, that's your business.

I'm talking a couple of two-liter things.

We solve a lot of problems in this nation.