John Mulaney

You don't need to go among your old, you know, microfiche.

The nectar of the tards, as I call Mountain Dew.

And I always say there needs to be a sterilization agent put into Mountain Dew and Sunny D. Right.

A sip of it's not going to render you sterile, but if you drink more than four liters of Mountain Dew a month, you cannot get impregnated.

Oh, sterilization.

It's supposed to lower your sperm count, right?

Or is that just urban legend?

I would like you to be unable to produce sperm and drop an egg at that point.

If it's overlooked, if you want to have a couple of diet dues a month, that's your business.

I'm talking a couple of two-liter things.

We solve a lot of problems in this nation.

Number one, and possibly Shaq's pineapple soda as well, which somebody says does exist, by the way.

It does.

I didn't just make it up.

Either way, this Doritos thing is a super slippery, bright orange slope that we're all tumbling down in slow motion.

Somebody had the Dorito flavor for 37 years, and the only flavor Doritos was on was on Doritos.

And then at some point, somebody, like, two years ago said, well, what if we made a taco shell that had a Dorito flavor to it?

That's just how crazy it might work.

And everybody went nuts, and...

Mark my words, there's going to be Dorito-flavored toilet paper that is hitting the shelves in a matter of a year.