John Oliver

Camera one, take me back to the past. Wow. That was exciting.

Camera one, take me back to the past. Wow. That was exciting.

Well, technology has advanced substantially by then.

Well, technology has advanced substantially by then.

Oh, no, no, I didn't find anything out. Oh, but Pamela Anderson gets married again. That woman is crazy.

Oh, no, no, I didn't find anything out. Oh, but Pamela Anderson gets married again. That woman is crazy.

Well, absolutely. You don't want to panic people. But it's just semantics. Well, exactly. Words matter, John. When people find out that their homes are being foreclosed, they're typically very sad. But if you tell them they're going camping... Forever... Money Beak, you're alive! Maybe the economy's turning around. Oh, no, no, he's still dead. I forgot. I put Money Beak on my ringtone.

Well, absolutely. You don't want to panic people. But it's just semantics. Well, exactly. Words matter, John. When people find out that their homes are being foreclosed, they're typically very sad. But if you tell them they're going camping... Forever... Money Beak, you're alive! Maybe the economy's turning around. Oh, no, no, he's still dead. I forgot. I put Money Beak on my ringtone.

Well, thank you very much, John. Money Beak? All right, we'll talk to you later.

Well, thank you very much, John. Money Beak? All right, we'll talk to you later.

The economy, John. As you know, the country is on the brink of financial collapse. Exactly. John, no time for questions. Only bold, incomplete sentences. Credit, frozen. Retail sales, cratering. Problem, no consumer confidence. Let me ask you, John, what are the markets doing right now?

The economy, John. As you know, the country is on the brink of financial collapse. Exactly. John, no time for questions. Only bold, incomplete sentences. Credit, frozen. Retail sales, cratering. Problem, no consumer confidence. Let me ask you, John, what are the markets doing right now?

Right. And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger. He's the only one who can pilot this nation to the soft water landing we so desperately need. And so, witness our new currency, the Sully Buck. The Sully Buck. Globally, it's already more respected than the Euro. Plus, there's a built-in rewards program. For every 100 Sully bucks you spend, the Canadian goose is strangled.

Right. And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger. He's the only one who can pilot this nation to the soft water landing we so desperately need. And so, witness our new currency, the Sully Buck. The Sully Buck. Globally, it's already more respected than the Euro. Plus, there's a built-in rewards program. For every 100 Sully bucks you spend, the Canadian goose is strangled.

And that's direct stimulus to the goose-packing industry. It's an excellent plan, but can't we... John, every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's just like with Treasury Secretary Geithner. He spoke the other day, and Wall Street panicked. Yes, why did that happen? Well, let's take a look at the tape. We'll announce the details of this plan in the next few weeks. Sell! Sell!

And that's direct stimulus to the goose-packing industry. It's an excellent plan, but can't we... John, every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's just like with Treasury Secretary Geithner. He spoke the other day, and Wall Street panicked. Yes, why did that happen? Well, let's take a look at the tape. We'll announce the details of this plan in the next few weeks. Sell! Sell!

Sell everything! Sell all my stocks! John! John! John! Oh, I'm sorry. I just got caught up in his wooden, nervous lack of reassurance-ness. See, it's all a matter of psychology, John. If someone can't convince us that the economy's okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in a sense, a shared illusion. Which brings me to step two. Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, Mr. Criss Angel.

Sell everything! Sell all my stocks! John! John! John! Oh, I'm sorry. I just got caught up in his wooden, nervous lack of reassurance-ness. See, it's all a matter of psychology, John. If someone can't convince us that the economy's okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in a sense, a shared illusion. Which brings me to step two. Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, Mr. Criss Angel.

Specifically, Secretary-designate Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear, and then pull it out of the belly button of a Hooters waitress. All right. That's very nice. All right, so that is part two, and that's... John, John, the economy's running out of time. I'll tell you what. Let's move on to the lightning round. All right.

Specifically, Secretary-designate Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear, and then pull it out of the belly button of a Hooters waitress. All right. That's very nice. All right, so that is part two, and that's... John, John, the economy's running out of time. I'll tell you what. Let's move on to the lightning round. All right.