Jordan Klepper

Trump tells Canada, you shall not pass.

China will let you know when you're dead.

And if downplaying international sex rings were an Olympic sport, Pam Bondi would take home the gold.

So, let's get into the headlines.

Let's kick things off with something uplifting.

The Winter Olympics are underway, and if there's one thing I love, it's those post-victory interviews where medal winners from around the world just radiate pure joy.

I can't get enough of it.

Congratulations so much on Olympic bronze.

Okay?

Little less joy than I expected.

That was Norway's Sturlaholm Lagarde, who won bronze in the biathlon.

But he got a bronze.

I mean, I know it's not gold, but it's still bronze.

So why is he so upset?

Okay, not how I would have celebrated in a post-game interview.

I would have gone with a thank you mom and dad or a thank you God.

But, you know, instead you went with, guess what world, I can't keep it in my pants.

Buddy, buddy, there are other ways of dealing with your guilt.

How about, I don't know, flowers?

An edible arrangement?