Jordan Klepper

Haven't you seen Home Alone?

The parents in that movie are so busy with Christmas, they forget to find competent assassins to murder their son.

It's worth a watch.

I think the real story here is that Portland is putting up a Christmas tree at all.

I'm surprised it's not a non-denominational indigenous pop-up matcha cafe with a star on top.

But despite these indignities, don't think Christmas is defeated yet.

In fact, our very own president has just released a new product to keep everyone proudly in the Christmas spirit.

Well, now you can with Trump Tinsel.

Trump Tinsel?

Trump Tinsel is eco-friendly, made right here in the USA, and looks great on any tree.

But what really sets Trump Tinsel apart is that it's the only tinsel that's been upcycled from 100% genuine Epstein files.

That's right.

We took the only copy of the Epstein files in existence and ran it through an industrial shredder.

And now what's left of them can be yours for just $49.99.

President Trump promised to release the Epstein files, but he never said how.

Now he's turned them into tinsel because that's just how much he loves Christmas.

Just don't try to piece your Trump tinsel back together.

That would ruin the Christmas spirit.

I said don't piece them together.

Don't do the thing from that scene in Argo.