Jordan Klepper

Would you rather it fall into the hands of Captain Hook?

You're listening to Comedy Central.

This is The Daily Show with your host, Jordan Clemens.

We got so much to talk about tonight.

Trump cheats on Diet Coke, America adds Greenland to its cart, and New York is officially a communist hellscape.

We did it!

So, let's get into the headlines.

I'll tell you what, there is so much going on in the world today.

Domestic strife, international uprisings, Verizon went down for four hours yesterday, so I had to Google myself on my desktop like a loser.

But with all the chaos in the world, I'm so glad we have a president who's laser-focused on the issues that matter most.

Yes, milk.

Mr. President, thank you for shining a light on this important issue and also for having a big jug of milk on your desk as a visual aid in case people forget what milk is.

I mean, how are these people intolerant of everything except lactose?

But while Trump was focused on his domestic priorities, his underlings were taking care of the smaller issues.

You know, like invading Europe.

Tonight, as President Trump escalates his push to take over Greenland, top officials from Greenland and Denmark traveling to Washington to plead their case to the vice president and secretary of state.

But they emerged saying the two sides have a, quote, fundamental disagreement.

Okay, first of all, why are they doing a press conference from the cocktail hour at a wedding?

This is dark day for Greenland.

Hold on to those crab cakes, sir!