Jordan Klepper

That makes me the greatest mayor on the globe.

This is a place where every day you wake up, you could experience everything from a plane crashing into our Trade Center to a

a person who's celebrating a new business that's open.

We know New York City is the Islamabad of America, is the Lagos of America, the Athens of America, Lima, Port-au-Prince, Kyiv, Zagreb.

New York City is the Istanbul of America.

I start the day with telling my team,

We gotta follow the law.

I sleep well at night with my little teddy bear because I follow the rules.

I was not offered any position to go to Turkey, to eat turkey, to do anything else.

I'm not gonna resign, I'm gonna reign.

I'm like broccoli.

You're gonna hate me now, but you're gonna love me later.

I'm Gandhi-like.

I think like Gandhi.

I act like Gandhi.

I want to be like Gandhi.

1 a.m.

in the morning, I'm sitting in the back of a closed barbershop or beauty salon, smoking a cigar and drinking some Henny or a single Monscott.

It's not the tweet, it's the street.

You have to inspect what you expect or is all suspect.