Josh Martin

Thank you for your time.

Awesome.

Oh, audience favorite.

I'm happy, if you couldn't tell, because I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow and finally found somebody I'm comfortable with touching my hair.

Last guy I went to was terrible.

He didn't know what he was doing.

I should have knew he didn't know what he was doing from the first thing he said.

I sat in his chair and was like, yeah, yeah, I got you.

It's like, you know what, you're right, because I almost made one.

Let me out the back of this van, because I did not think this one through.

Thank you, guys.

It's a mess.

So my dad doesn't really approve of me doing comedy at all.

He's a tough guy to please.

He went to Princeton.

Then he got his master's from Columbia.

He got his PhD from Stanford, which means he's a dick.

That's what that means, really.

You know how hard it is to get approval from someone with three Ivy League degrees?

Telling my dad I didn't get into Princeton was like coming out of the closet in a conservative Christian family, which is the amount of shame I felt.