Julia Dhar

Sometimes I think we think that our reaction to their behavior is the problem.

which it probably is and we need to work through it, but we work through it not with them and we're like trying to find clarity in somebody who isn't that person.

It's very like a roundabout way of like the other person becomes a proxy for what you really should be saying to like the individual.

I feel like the most useful question in all of the intergroup relations, interpersonal psychology is have you tried talking to them about it?

So often you don't even need the second question.

I know.

I know, but it's so difficult, isn't it?

So often I will say to people, have you tried talking to them about it, especially in a professional setting?

And often people will say, well, I was sort of hoping you would talk to them about it.

That's why we're having this conversation.

And I think you, Gemma, are so right to say

It can be very helpful for you to process, to understand your reaction, to actually figure out, is it, as a younger person in my life said to me recently, is it an ish you or is it an ish them?

More t-shirts are going to be printed.

Is it an ish you or is it an ish them?

And that conversation can be useful.

It's just not going to change the other person's behavior.

But if we also have pretty low expectations for other people and their ability to change their behavior...

That can actually be pretty empowering for us because it's a reminder, oh, what I can change, what I can control is my own behavior.

Yeah.

And often I think that actually is, again, another very, very freeing thing.