Julie King
speaker
896 appearances
2 recordings
1 series
first heard May 2018
last heard Jun 2021
Julie King’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
But the problem is, one of the many problems is that when we punish a kid and say, okay, that's it, no more ice cream, we don't ever ask ourselves, what's going on for this kid?
Why is he misbehaving?
Is there some other way to meet this kid's needs without just trying to come down hard on him and take something away from him that he'll feel bad about?
If you're looking at the social science,
The studies say that kids who are punished, they tend to be the kids who misbehave again and again.
And part of why that is, is that kids who are misbehaving often, that's the best they can do.
They don't know what else to do.
And ideally, what we want to do is teach them.
How do you manage this moment when you feel like running around and you're in a place where you're not allowed to run?
Or kids who are in conflict with another kid and they just grab the toy or bash a kid on the head to try to get it.
If we just punish him, we never teach him, like, what do you do when you want a toy that another kid is playing with?
Punishment will let him know that what he did was wrong, but it doesn't teach him what to do.
And I won't go into all of it because we could spend the whole interview talking about the problems with punishment.
But there are many problems.
But on the other hand, we need to do something.
So we have a number of different tools that parents can use.
And the one that I like to mention first is to take action without insult.
Because I don't want people to think that this is a permissive approach, that we're just going to sort of be so understanding of kids that we never hold the limit and say, no, this I cannot allow.
But the kid who is drawing on the furniture, and you've said the furniture is not for drawing on or the walls.
when they were little at one point they thought you know we put pictures up on the walls why can't they draw on the walls too and so you know if you've told them the walls aren't for drawing on and you've suggested you know here giving them some choices you can draw on paper or here's some boxes you could draw on and if none of that is working and they still keep grabbing the markers and running over to the wall that's the time to say you know I can't let the walls get drawn on I'm putting the markers away I see it's too tempting right now to use them on the walls.
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