Karen Doherty

It's not going to make it go away. It's not going to make it hurt less, really. But it is a matter of understanding that actually perhaps there wasn't the intention that I may have attributed to it. That helps. That helps moderate it. It doesn't stop the pain because that is visceral. I know. But it can help moderate and manage and rationalize if you can just step back from that and remember it.

It's not going to make it go away. It's not going to make it hurt less, really. But it is a matter of understanding that actually perhaps there wasn't the intention that I may have attributed to it. That helps. That helps moderate it. It doesn't stop the pain because that is visceral. I know. But it can help moderate and manage and rationalize if you can just step back from that and remember it.

But unlovable not.

But unlovable not.

Yeah, that's right. That's what happens. Because what the RSD leads to is a defense. Somehow that person is going to defend themselves. Okay. And they are then going to push their partner or whoever they're interacting with away. They need to do that because they, first of all, they've got to recover.

Yeah, that's right. That's what happens. Because what the RSD leads to is a defense. Somehow that person is going to defend themselves. Okay. And they are then going to push their partner or whoever they're interacting with away. They need to do that because they, first of all, they've got to recover.

time to recover so pushing somebody away is the first way of of being able to do that um and so that defensive response becomes very live in relationships and it's it's It's there all the time. Partners need to recognise that because obviously defensive responses close down communication.

time to recover so pushing somebody away is the first way of of being able to do that um and so that defensive response becomes very live in relationships and it's it's It's there all the time. Partners need to recognise that because obviously defensive responses close down communication.

Once you've moved to defence, once that has happened, once perhaps the person who's been triggered with RSD throws out a defensive statement, the other one might come back.

Once you've moved to defence, once that has happened, once perhaps the person who's been triggered with RSD throws out a defensive statement, the other one might come back.

to protect themselves or defend themselves well the conversation's gone it's over you've closed down the conversation but we the narrative around um the development of uh the development of nd we know that it's got a developmental lag we know all the issues they're well well documented that NDs can come across in their development.

to protect themselves or defend themselves well the conversation's gone it's over you've closed down the conversation but we the narrative around um the development of uh the development of nd we know that it's got a developmental lag we know all the issues they're well well documented that NDs can come across in their development.

We know that and so we understand that the RSD is there and it needs to be defended against. It's not until, interestingly, because what that ultimately leads people to feel is not good enough. You're saying unlovable. In my room, it would be actually you don't feel good enough. You are withdrawing from your partner because you haven't got the confidence.

We know that and so we understand that the RSD is there and it needs to be defended against. It's not until, interestingly, because what that ultimately leads people to feel is not good enough. You're saying unlovable. In my room, it would be actually you don't feel good enough. You are withdrawing from your partner because you haven't got the confidence.

You don't feel good enough to actually be honest, open, and vulnerable. Because the minute you can be, it changes the narrative. The minute that you no longer defend but say, oh, I'm really hurt. I need a moment to recover. It changes the conversation. It changes the situation immediately. But that takes confidence. It takes feeling good enough to be able to do it.

You don't feel good enough to actually be honest, open, and vulnerable. Because the minute you can be, it changes the narrative. The minute that you no longer defend but say, oh, I'm really hurt. I need a moment to recover. It changes the conversation. It changes the situation immediately. But that takes confidence. It takes feeling good enough to be able to do it.

And for me, that happens post-diagnosis a lot of the time.

And for me, that happens post-diagnosis a lot of the time.

I think sometimes, I think there's a few ingredients in that sort of mix there. I think sometimes, A, there's a lack of confidence, so you can't really communicate with your partner. B, there's an incredible frustration and anger at your previous experience. And that leads you to sort of can't be bothered actually to explain.

I think sometimes, I think there's a few ingredients in that sort of mix there. I think sometimes, A, there's a lack of confidence, so you can't really communicate with your partner. B, there's an incredible frustration and anger at your previous experience. And that leads you to sort of can't be bothered actually to explain.