Kelsey McKinney
speaker
607 appearances
6 recordings
1 series
first heard Nov 2024
last heard Feb 2025
Kelsey McKinney’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Smooth as eggs, buddy. Jane is like, does that even have time to consider whether she wants to talk to Celeste or not? Because the thing is, you don't have free will with Celeste. Celeste is coming to talk to you. That's just like how she is because she has things to say. Sure. Sure, sure, sure. Girl. Yeah. And Jane is like, yes. Yes and yes. This does not stop Celeste.
Celeste is like, yeah, you know, he also, like, demanded that I come get the fig from his house and pay him the original cost of it and that I only have two weeks to do it or he's going to sell it. Okay, that is harsh. Jane is like, I don't care. Yeah. In her heart, she's like, I hate Celeste. I hate this stupid fig. Like, this is not worth my time. She's like, have you talked to Muffy?
And Celeste is like, no, but trying to talk more about her fig. And Jane is like, goodbye, Celeste.
And she goes home.
I don't get it at all. Jane has forgotten all about this conversation. But at the end of two weeks, suddenly there is a big truck in front of her house with a bunch of big, muscly men. And on the back of the truck is the fig on like a pallet. Okay. Okay. It's a comment on gender. Okay. Yes. And Jane is like, oh, my God. I'm going to have to look at this fig all the time.
Forever.
Jane is outside. She's watching... This man, you know, greeting the construction workers. He's wearing a hard hat. He has a flip board. He takes the hard hat off and she's like, oh, my God, hot boyfriend. And then hot boyfriend is pointing not at Celeste's yard, but at Muffy's.
Jane is like, this is crazy. She's like, obviously I'm outside. I'm paying attention. I'm eavesdropping. She watches like a forklift, you know, raise the metal fig and start to like drive it toward Muffy's house. And at this point, Celeste comes like running out of her house and she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have the wrong house. My house is over there. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
And the construction workers are like, you know, they're like looking at their paper. They're like, well, no, like the address we have is that address. We don't have your address. And Celeste is like, no, no, no, no, no. It's my fig. I picked it out. She's like, you know, rattling off stats like it would be on like a fucking gallery thing where she's like, the artist is this.
He was born here this year. These are the dimensions of the fig. Like this is the year it was created. These are the dimensions of the fig. Yeah. The construction workers are like, listen, lady, we don't care about your fig facts. We were hired to drop them off over here. Uh-huh. And then they begin to drive the fig into Muffy's backyard. Muffy bought the figs.
I love it!
Huge news! Our Dowager Queen, Kelsey McKinney, wrote a New York Times best-selling book of beautiful essays about gossip. It's called You Didn't Hear This From Me, mostly true notes on gossip, and I am obsessed. It's about how we use gossip to learn about ourselves. It's about Britney Spears and Weston Caleb and Gilgamesh and Picasso. It's so fun.
And not to be biased, but I kind of think it's pretty excellent. It's out right now in a hardback and a super sexy audiobook, which Kelsey narrates. You can buy wherever you buy your books. You can also go to KelseyMcKinneyBook.com to see all retailers.
This creates chaos. Celeste is like on the phone. Jane assumes she's on the phone with Charles and Celeste is like yelling, right? She's like, you snake, you absolute snake. Like, you know, I only cared about the figs. Meanwhile, the construction workers are like, you know, checking up on a concrete platform. They pour God knows when for the fig to be on Celeste.
Muffy comes out of the house and Celeste's tone, like, immediately changes. And she begins to, like, plead. She's like, Muffy, you know I love these. Like, Charles is the enemy. You cannot collude with him. She's like, pick me, choose me, give Fig to me.
Muffy is standing with her arms like cross and she's like, Celeste, do you remember what I asked you to do when I went on vacation? And Celeste is like, water your herb garden? And Muffy's like, yes. And you didn't do that. And Celeste is like, yes, I did. I went every night late at night and I watered them.
And Muffy is like, they all died. And Celeste is like, well, I don't. And Muffy is just like, I can't like I'm not having this conversation anymore. Like we're done here. And Celeste is like, but what about my fig? Like, I love it so much. And Muffy's like, well, I love figs, too. And I bought the fig right this way, gentlemen. And she shows the construction workers where to put them.
I love it! At this point, Celeste freaks out. She's like in front of the forklift. She has to be restrained by the hot boyfriend. Jane is like, this is the most interesting thing to happen to this neighborhood in years.
Wow. After this whole event, the next day, the hot boyfriend like sets up a giant tent in the backyard. And Jane is like, this is terrible. Like now I can't see the hot boyfriend anymore. I have no idea what's going on over there. Right. Like he's inside the tent.
And then there's like a week where nothing happens. Yeah. And this is where Jane realizes she has like a big problem because the big fight, this like huge blow up fight, happened very conveniently in her front yard at full volume. Sure. But also she hears people in the neighborhood talking about like Instagram posts, next door posts. And Jane doesn't know how to get to those things.
Showing 541–560 of 607 · page 28 of 31
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