Lewis Black

It's just a couple of more weeks until Christmas, when Christians celebrate the birth of Santa.

Meanwhile, us Jews are celebrating a real miracle, some lamp oil that lasted longer than we thought.

Because if there's one thing we Jews love, it's a bargain.

But for some reason, Christians are now trying to include us in their holiday season, and it's not making any sense.

Oh, you're not sure if Jews know how to celebrate Christmas?

You mean that holiday that gets jammed down our throat every year?

The second Halloween ends, I can't even buy a cup of coffee that doesn't look like it fell out of Santa's ass.

Trust me, Jews know how Christmas works.

It's not like we're gonna walk into your Christmas party and say, oh, my God, it's a tree.

Indoors!

Call a lumberjack!

I don't want a holiday movie where a Jewish person learns about Christmas.

I want a movie where a Christian has to learn about Hanukkah.

On night one, we get socks.

On night two, a notebook.

On night three, a pen and pencil set.

It's a back-to-school holiday!

But if you thought a fake Hanukkah movie was tone-deaf, put this in your stocking and stuff it.

An Auschwitz Christmas ornament?

Look, I know we say to never forget, but when you're decorating a tree, you can take the night off.