Lewis Black

What the hell are you complaining about? Oh no, now blenders are on sale for a whole month. God, why have thou forsaken us? Nobody's forcing you to buy anything. You can shop. You cannot shop. You can do what we Jews do and wait until the day after Christmas when they're practically giving away. But there is one group of people who should be complaining.

What the hell are you complaining about? Oh no, now blenders are on sale for a whole month. God, why have thou forsaken us? Nobody's forcing you to buy anything. You can shop. You cannot shop. You can do what we Jews do and wait until the day after Christmas when they're practically giving away. But there is one group of people who should be complaining.

Well, personally, I'd much rather spend Thanksgiving at Kmart. Helping a fat guy shove his way into a pair of Crocs beats listening to my nephew explain again how he's allergic to beets. No, you're not, Matthew. You just don't like them. Nobody does. But you're gonna eat them! But if this lady wants to spend Thanksgiving with her family, who can blame her? Turns out, everybody.

Well, personally, I'd much rather spend Thanksgiving at Kmart. Helping a fat guy shove his way into a pair of Crocs beats listening to my nephew explain again how he's allergic to beets. No, you're not, Matthew. You just don't like them. Nobody does. But you're gonna eat them! But if this lady wants to spend Thanksgiving with her family, who can blame her? Turns out, everybody.

Sure, Thanksgiving is just as good eating a cold sandwich alone in the back of a Kmart. You don't even need cranberry sauce, you can season it with your tears. But this year, it's not just employees getting screwed into working on Thanksgiving, it's the stores too.

Sure, Thanksgiving is just as good eating a cold sandwich alone in the back of a Kmart. You don't even need cranberry sauce, you can season it with your tears. But this year, it's not just employees getting screwed into working on Thanksgiving, it's the stores too.

You're taxing stores for observing Thanksgiving? That's the most anti-American thing I've ever heard. It's like Sharia law for capitalism. Why don't you just kick George Washington in the nuts? But if no one cares when stores force employees to work on Thanksgiving, who's going to shed a tear when malls force stores to stay open?

You're taxing stores for observing Thanksgiving? That's the most anti-American thing I've ever heard. It's like Sharia law for capitalism. Why don't you just kick George Washington in the nuts? But if no one cares when stores force employees to work on Thanksgiving, who's going to shed a tear when malls force stores to stay open?

So, let me get this straight. You can't make a store open on Thanksgiving. It's just a poor, helpless corporation. But people? Punch in and shut the up! You can see your family in January!

So, let me get this straight. You can't make a store open on Thanksgiving. It's just a poor, helpless corporation. But people? Punch in and shut the up! You can see your family in January!

Well, the good thing is, it doesn't matter at all. This is why. You know, because you're such a political guy, and I realized when I came here, because I was never political, and it's because you're from America, and I'm from Canada, and in America, you have a duty to be political, because you vote for the wrong guy, he blows up the world. Right? Now, in Canada, here's our elections in Canada.

Well, the good thing is, it doesn't matter at all. This is why. You know, because you're such a political guy, and I realized when I came here, because I was never political, and it's because you're from America, and I'm from Canada, and in America, you have a duty to be political, because you vote for the wrong guy, he blows up the world. Right? Now, in Canada, here's our elections in Canada.

Go, hey, listen, how does that guy stand on the bridge building? That's every time. One guy goes, I think we should build the bridge. The other guy's, I don't care for the bridge. It's all bridge-based politics. They never gave us no red phone. You know, you're president. I thought you were political. No, I didn't realize you had a red one. You don't realize the president has a red phone?

Go, hey, listen, how does that guy stand on the bridge building? That's every time. One guy goes, I think we should build the bridge. The other guy's, I don't care for the bridge. It's all bridge-based politics. They never gave us no red phone. You know, you're president. I thought you were political. No, I didn't realize you had a red one. You don't realize the president has a red phone?

But here's what it's come to be for in America.

But here's what it's come to be for in America.

Americans... Well, listen, if I was president, man, I'd get on that red phone right away and blow something up. What would you blow up first? What would I blow up? Yeah. That stupid high school I went to for... Empty building, of course. But listen, man, I'll tell you this, though. You know, with the streets of Libya running with blood... Okay, I'll buy your premise. Yeah.

Americans... Well, listen, if I was president, man, I'd get on that red phone right away and blow something up. What would you blow up first? What would I blow up? Yeah. That stupid high school I went to for... Empty building, of course. But listen, man, I'll tell you this, though. You know, with the streets of Libya running with blood... Okay, I'll buy your premise. Yeah.

Listen, the Egyptians are so brave, you know, and the guys in Tripoli trying to take over and Bahrain. Here's what I'm trying to get at. I'm from Canada. We got a queen. She lives in England. Right? We're so f***ed, we can't get... Seriously, I can get a bunch of buddies of mine. I swear to God, I can get two or three dozen buddies of mine. We can go over to Buckingham Palace Takeover.

Listen, the Egyptians are so brave, you know, and the guys in Tripoli trying to take over and Bahrain. Here's what I'm trying to get at. I'm from Canada. We got a queen. She lives in England. Right? We're so f***ed, we can't get... Seriously, I can get a bunch of buddies of mine. I swear to God, I can get two or three dozen buddies of mine. We can go over to Buckingham Palace Takeover.