Logan Urie

A lot of the secure daters are already in relationships.

So the dating pool has so many anxious and avoidant people dating each other.

Oh, God.

And this creates something called the anxious avoidant loop.

So here's how it works.

I was an anxiously attached dater.

My story of love is that I chase you and I get really interested in you and then you pull back and I try to convince you to be with me and prove my value.

For the avoidant person, their story is you're going to smother me.

You're going to overwhelm me.

I'm going to lose all my independence.

So they pull away.

So anxious and avoidant people keep dating each other, reinforcing these really unhealthy patterns.

But if you're like me, you just think, oh, that's what love is.

That's what dating is.

It's I chase someone.

But then when you date a secure partner like I did, it can really burst that bubble and show you that there's another way.

So I remember when I was dating my husband and we've been dating for a few months and I got mad at him about something.

And I did what I always would have done in past relationships, which is take out my phone and punch away a bunch of angry texts to him about how he's disappointing me and this and that, really looking for a fight.

And I expected him to fight back.

But then he, child of a therapist, wrote back to me and said, wow, it sounds like you're really upset.