The Mel Robbins Podcast
What it Takes to Find & Keep True Love: The Best Advice No One Ever Told You
16 Feb 2026
Chapter 1: What unique challenges do singles face in modern dating?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. If you're in your 20s or 30s, I know you've had it with dating right now. I've got two daughters, they're in their 20s, and all of their friends, regardless of gender, are saying how toxic the dating scene is.
The endless swiping, the ghosting, the fact that everyone is dating a million people at the same time, not matching with people who you're actually interested in, or wondering, are you ever going to meet anyone normal? Or maybe you're not in your 20s, but you're like me. I'm a parent. Or maybe you're an aunt or an uncle, and you're worried because it sounds like a freaking nightmare out there.
So I wanted to do something about it. I've called in an incredible expert who is a data scientist and a dating coach, and I need you to hear something. If you're listening to my voice right now or you're watching me on YouTube and you're starting to think you're going to be single forever, you're wrong.
Today you're going to learn that there are specific data-supported things that you need to do when it comes to dating. For example, you're going to learn exactly what you need to change on your dating app profile to get more matches with people that you actually might be compatible with.
Second, you're gonna learn specific things that you could be doing every single day in your life that will help you meet awesome people. Third, you're gonna learn about the myth of the spark and the importance of the slow burn. You're also gonna learn shocking statistics about what actually creates a match, and it's not what you think.
And finally, our expert has eight questions you need to be asking yourself because based on the research right now, you're probably looking for the wrong person and you're focused on the wrong things. Today, you and I are going to use data, research, and expert relationship advice to take the frustration out of dating apps and put the power back in your hands. So let's get into it.
Hey, it's your friend Mel. I'm so fired up that you're here. It is always such an honor to spend time with you, to be together. I wanted to take a moment and welcome you if you're new, because this is one of those episodes that I know is getting shared all over the planet. And so if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. And I want to acknowledge something.
You know, look, I'm married, I'm in my 50s, but I want to acknowledge that there is a unique sort of pressure that you can feel when you're in your 20s and 30s. You know, as your friends start to pair off and you start wondering, am I always going to be the single one? Am I ever going to find somebody that I fall in love with who treats me the way that I deserve?
And here's what I want you to know. Whether you're in your 20s or 30s and you're dating, or you're already in a relationship, but you're listening on behalf of one of your friends, or you're a parent like I am, or an aunt and uncle, and you're trying to help your adult kids navigate the dating world, this episode is my gift to you. We've got an incredible guest in the studio today, Logan Urie.
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Chapter 2: How can you improve your dating app profile for better matches?
So for example, to the listener out there who says, I have an advanced degree. I need to be with someone who also has an advanced degree. Great, that's your hypothesis. Let's test it. Maybe what's going on is you actually just really want someone who's intellectually curious. That can come with someone who went to college and grad school or someone who didn't, but is a voracious reader.
Why don't you go out with some people who don't have advanced degrees, talk about interesting topics, see if they can hold your conversation and keep you interested. And maybe what you find out is that you did need that advanced degree, but more likely you find out that it was about some underlying trait that you wanted and not about the advanced degree. So be open to testing your assumptions.
So the conversation today is really about 20-year-olds and 30-year-olds. And I'm hyper-focused on the 20-somethings because that's where my kids are. And that's where I hear the most amount of complaining. And I was very excited to have you here because you've been at Google. You have a psychology degree from Harvard. You've spent five years as, what is the title that you have at Hinge?
Director of Relationship Science. And just for you listening right now, who is like, okay, she's from Hinge. So she's just going to tell me to use the apps. Hinge is not paying for this episode. Logan Urie is here and she is bringing all this wisdom to help you use it to your advantage. And there are things that you're doing wrong on any online app.
And there's also things that you're doing wrong in real life that are part of the problem. And we're going to separate the app from the real life piece of this. And so first of all, what are you seeing when it comes to this age group so we can normalize people's experience?
I'm hearing the same things that you are, where a lot of people are talking about being burned out, or a lot of people are yearning for this previous age before the dating apps, where they kind of romanticize it and think, I just wanna meet organically. I just wanna meet through friends and family.
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Chapter 3: What are the eight questions to ask yourself when choosing a partner?
And I feel like it's really important to separate what is dating in general, what is the psychological experience of putting yourself out there, taking risks and getting rejected, and what is specifically the technology.
And what I see happening is that a lot of people are conflating the two and they are blaming apps or technology for something that has been happening in dating long before there were dating apps. And so one thing I want people to keep in mind is that, dating is relatively new in the span of human history. It is? Yes.
So it really started dating culture, as we know it, kind of pre-aps in around 1890. That was one of the first times where people were actually going out and women were working in shops and they were meeting themselves. Before that, it might be the matchmaker set you up or your father... wanted you to marry the guy next door so that you could combine the two parcels of land.
So actually the idea of humans on their own choosing a partner is new. And if it feels hard for you, it really feels hard for everyone because this is something new that in the span of human history, we just haven't been doing for very long.
So we're talking like two people ago that started basically. Yeah. And so we're still learning. And the thing that you said that I really want to highlight Because one of the things that I'm curious about, particularly as a mother, is the fact that there's a lot of blaming of the apps. And I'm not saying that the apps don't deserve a lot of blame.
But the purpose of the app, as far as I'm concerned, is to actually connect with people And then your job is what you do in real life. And I really want to highlight this part, that there are two things here. One is how you're using the app. But the other is, and I'm suspicious about this, that it's become too easy to just look on your phone.
And people, I believe, have become less courageous and brave with putting themselves out there in real life. I met my husband at a bar. That's how we met. And I met him by turning around and talking to him. And he was a stranger. The person that you will marry is likely a stranger right now. And there are strangers everywhere around you.
And so are you seeing anything in the data or anything in your experience coaching people who are single? about how there is a decrease in a willingness to put yourself out there, which has always been hard since the beginning of time.
We're absolutely seeing fewer people willing to put themselves out there. There's a huge fear of rejection, and we're especially seeing this in Gen Z. They are particularly sensitive to the idea that they could be rejected, and it's causing them to take fewer risks.
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Chapter 4: How can you effectively navigate rejection and ghosting?
He's Persian. He's a doctor. He went to the right school. And I'm like, okay, I'm waiting for the butt. And they're like, yeah, but when I spend time with him, he kind of makes me feel bad about myself. And he's really into all of this superficial stuff that I'm not into, but he's so good on paper.
And so I would say, take that checklist of what you think you should be looking for, tear it up, and instead make a new checklist of things to look for. And so the tool that I have for that is called the Post-Date Aid. The who? The post-date eight.
The post-date eight. Okay, what are the eight things?
These are eight things to ask yourself after every date. And what they do is they train your brain during the date to look for the things that matter. So you move from the evaluative mindset. Are they good enough for me? Do they make enough money? To the experiential mindset. How do I feel when I'm around them? So these are the questions. What side of me did they bring out?
We just talked about that. How did my body feel during the date? stiff, relaxed, or something in between? Do I feel energized or de-energized? Is there something about them that I'm curious about? Did they make me laugh? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive in their presence? And did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?
Now, here's what's interesting. is that I love the question about did I feel attractive? Because I think we're often so focused on the chemistry and the spark and am I attracted to you? Yeah. That you forget that it's really about whether or not you feel like more of you and whether or not you feel attractive in this. Because I think we've all had the situation of
of dating somebody where we think they're really hot, but the whole time, even though we're attracted to them and we might be a little tingly, we're actually very tense because we're worried about how we look and we're worried about what they think and we're worried about.
And to me, that feels like if you go through those eight questions, that's easily going to weed a lot of people out because you can't actually be yourself around a person like that.
Yes. There's a lot of ways in which this list can really help you shift who you go after because it helps identify those people who are good on paper, but who don't make you feel good about yourself. If you do it after every date, it also helps you realize, oh, this is a slow burn person. This is someone
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Chapter 5: What does it mean to date like a scientist?
It's I chase someone. But then when you date a secure partner like I did, it can really burst that bubble and show you that there's another way. So I remember when I was dating my husband and we've been dating for a few months and I got mad at him about something.
And I did what I always would have done in past relationships, which is take out my phone and punch away a bunch of angry texts to him about how he's disappointing me and this and that, really looking for a fight. And I expected him to fight back. But then he, child of a therapist, wrote back to me and said, wow, it sounds like you're really upset. We should discuss this in person.
And that was such a powerful moment because he took a pattern that I had and he really stopped it in its tracks. And it made me understand that there was a different way to be in relationships. So for me, 10 years ago, meeting my now husband, I realized I didn't have to be in an anxious avoidant loop. And that really was such a pivotal change in my life.
And so for you, Sophia, I feel like understanding your attachment style, understanding how the chase feels really exciting because you're confusing... anxiety for chemistry. You're addicted to the drama. Instead, I want you to become more secure yourself and also to go for a secure partner.
They may seem initially boring because you're so addicted to the chase and the fact that you don't know what will happen, but these are the people who make great long-term partners.
Logan, I am so glad you're here. I am already learning so much and I'm starting to think about this completely differently. I'm sure you are too as you're listening to all of this advice and her perspective.
We're gonna hit pause and give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words, but please share this with everyone in your life who needs to hear this, which is basically everybody who's single and who's dating and who's frustrated. And when we return, we're going to dig right back into the data and the science. So don't you dare go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after a short break.
Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And today you and I are getting all the research back and data supported advice that we need for ourselves and the people that we love who are single and dating and frustrated. We're changing that with Logan Urie. So when I knew that you were going to be here in our Boston studios, I said something in a team meeting.
And it was if there was an absolute explosion of inbound questions from them, from their friends. We put it out online. Like, I cannot believe the number of questions that we got for you. And I want to read you this one from a woman named Virginia, who is 25. There are all these studies about how online dating has lowered men's confidence and made them lazier.
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Chapter 6: How can you recognize and address your dating patterns?
That's kind of cool. Yeah, they would find it interesting. He really stood out. He was memorable. He was passionate. Then he said, I want to become a better storyteller. So he did what stand-up comedians did. He would practice telling the stories, see what parts people found interesting, see what they found boring. And then on dates, he would be able to be more compelling and tell stories.
better stories. And so I think we so often look out and say, who's out there for me? Nobody's good enough. I live in the worst city for dating. Well, what are you doing to make yourself a more attractive partner? What are you doing to show that you have a growth mindset? What places are you putting yourself in that would help you meet more people?
And so, of course, it's a two-sided equation where both people have to show up, but what are the things within your control that can make you more attractive as a partner?
Here's another question that I have. Have situationships always existed or is this a concept our generation has invented to avoid commitment?
I think about this a lot, how we constantly are reinventing terms for the same thing. Can we talk about this for a minute?
I cannot track with the terminology. We're together, but we're not dating. We're dating, but we're not like this. We're exclusive, but we're not dating. Dating is this thing. I can't understand the terminology. And so what is a situationship? And what do you think about all this?
A situationship is an undefined romantic relationship. So we're spending time together, we're hooking up, but we don't have labels.
How is that not defined by your actions? This is the thing that I don't understand. Like, don't your actions define the fact that you're in a relationship if you're having sex with somebody and you're hanging out with them?
I think this is part of a larger conversation about how when you apply language to something, it sort of solidifies and becomes more concrete. But people have been doing situationships for a very long time. I feel like I had plenty of situationships in college, but we didn't call it that. Now it has a term and then now it's more stigmatized.
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