Logan Urie

We want to say, oh, I think this person could change if this just happens.

But instead, be in the driver's seat of your life, but understand that you are not the driver of every other car on the road.

And that would hurt me if I found that out.

In many aspects of life, if you set a goal and you do certain steps to achieve it, that will happen.

If you have a financial goal and you work on making more money and saving more money, if you want to run a marathon and you follow a training plan, you can get there because those things are within your control.

But dating is about you and another person choosing each other and you cannot control somebody else's behavior.

I think people don't take that step back and zoom out and really look at who they're dating.

So when I work with dating coaching clients, we do a relationship audit and we really go through all the major relationships in their lives.

We even start in middle school and we start with the stories.

Were you popular and people were interested in you?

Were you the only South Asian kid in a white school and nobody was attracted to you until you went to college?

Were you a late bloomer?

And really looking at your life as a series of experiences and how they impacted who you are now.

And then you start to see the patterns.

Wow, I'm not ready to date.

So I always dated emotionally unavailable people.

And then I blame them, but it was really me.

Or I'm such an optimist that I choose people because I think that they could reach their potential.

But what ends up happening is I'm frustrated because I'm dating them for their potential for the project and not for reality.

And so taking that step back, do it alone, do it with the therapist, do it with a friend and really say, what are the patterns?