Matt Kielty

College roommates.

Two roommates who didn't know each other.

Before the start of their first year in college.

And we asked each roommate a whole bunch of questions about their relationship over time and their self-esteem.

And what we found was that when roommates were responsive to the—so I'm going to call them roommate A and roommate B because they're same-sex.

It gets confusing.

So when roommate A is responsive to roommate B's needs, roommate B notices that—

and is responsive in return.

And then roommate A is responsive again to roommate B, and then roommate B is responsive again to roommate A. So you can get this virtuous cycle going on in relationships where when people are focused not on their own needs, but on being responsive to other people's needs,

Other people notice it, they appreciate it, their esteem for the other person goes up, and that ends up having, it's not a huge impact, but nonetheless having a significant impact on the self-esteem of the person who was responsive in the first place.

So the way to boost your self-esteem in a way that, in my view, is sustainable over time and good for the world is to focus on the well-being of other people or to organizations or institutions or things you really care about.

It's so funny because I think like that's basically what John was after.

I know.

Like if you could get people to understand they had self-worth, self-value, raise their self-esteem, they would do all these things for each other.

Yeah, it's just that self-esteem is the wrong place to focus.

Because you don't have to have high self-esteem to make a difference.

And with that, I feel that I have clearly been vindicated and validated.

No, you haven't, Matt.

Yeah, the whole point is not to try and feel good about yourself.

That is not what she's saying.