Matteo Lane
speaker
178 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Apr 2025
last heard Apr 2025
Matteo Lane’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
I mean, I couldn't believe what she was doing on stage. I still think she's top five greatest comics of all time, Joan Rivers, and doesn't get the credit she deserves. Me and Jim Norton talk about this all the time. She doesn't get the credit she deserves. She's fucking funny. I'd put her up against anybody.
Funny. She has one of my favorite jokes. She's like, my daughter came to me. She goes, Mom, they want me naked from the waist up for $200,000 for Playboy. What do I think? I'll be a good mother. Of course, whatever you think is right. What do I think? Show me your pussy and get another $200,000, you stupid c**t. I'm on the red carpet just screaming these people like a hooker in Miami.
Who the fuck are you? She goes, when she was 16, I should have said, Melissa, come in the library, bring a banana, get on your knees. Mama wants to talk to you. That's what I should have said. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I know. People like that. That's another one. You'll never get another Joan. I mean, that's a special, special thing.
And you're like, for real? I know. But the internet, that doesn't matter anyway. I mean, you can't do anything. I watch a lot of video game news.
you can't even talk about super metro without comments being like comments are going to show up and by the way you can't you can't what are you going to do it's just it's like what do you know there's sharks in the ocean are you going to stop swimming in the ocean yes i hate the ocean i think we should fill it with chlorine and get rid of everything inside it's an abomination i can't stand it i don't understand i'm not interested in it it's enough it is enough i love the
oh it's enough of the ocean no get out of here i don't care about it i don't care i'll stand by it get tanned i'm not going in it under no circumstances stop it it is so i'm i i'm so sick of the ocean are you and i don't care what it does for the i don't give a shit It's constantly trying to kill us. We've not learned our lessons. Fool me once, forget about it.
Hurricanes and tsunamis and Titanic. It's enough. We found land. That's all my algorithm is, ocean shit. Oh, those dumb ships that are in the middle of the fucking sea and this and that.
And what are you doing that a plane can't do it? Stop it. Make bigger planes. I'm done with the ocean. It's enough. Just demons. Octopus can change color and morph. And even the devil looks at octopus. They're like, whoa, like it is just enough.
Mariah carries high notes and pitbulls. Really? I love pit bulls. I can't get enough of them. Oh, they're just so cute. Pit bulls are pretty fucking awesome. Oh, their little fat heads and their smiles. You know what I hate, though? I hate when you're trying to get into a really cute dog moment and these fucking white women add baby voices to the dogs. Have you seen this?
I think I'm married to one. It's enough. You're trying to get into this cute dog and then all of a sudden you just hear like, Daddy what? Daddy who? The dog can't talk. Let me just enjoy how cute this dog is without this white woman. White woman, it is enough. You talked about this at the beginning of your special. It's enough already. You're not even married to one. No. I mean, I'm exhausted.
They would be so disappointed in me. Why? They would. I would just be crying. They would be like consoling me. They would be like, it's okay, you know. It's what I do. I guess I would love to try, but I would be so disappointed to them. That's the only thing. I'm such a people pleaser. They'd be like, oh, this really didn't go the way.
I mean, I remember when I was in Puerto Vallarta, Bob, my friend, Bob, the drag queen, he was like, we're going to go to a strip club. I'm so not cool about it. Like everyone else could like, you know, pay money and then they dance on you and they can like be in the fantasy. Literally at one point, Bob has like six strippers around me. I had this stripper, you know, paid him whatever, 700 pesos.
And I'm rubbing his back saying it.
So, and I'm, I'm rubbing his back saying in Spanish, I think a candle business will be great for your future. I just don't have that kind of bravado. I used to be fun at strip clubs, and now... I used to sing in strip clubs. That was before open mics. For real? Yeah, I was 21, and there was this gay...
There was this somehow a children's theater program, but the adults to raise money would perform at gay strip clubs around Chicago. And we had like dancers. We had a drag queen who kept saying, I have a 50-50% chance of getting a RuPaul's Drag Race. Statistically, so does my mother. And then we would perform as strippers. So I would be... I remember we were in this one strip club.
We're in the basement. The drag queens powdered her face a thousand... The crust. Powdered her face a thousand times. And there's some Polish guy who doesn't speak English and a jock strap jacking off in a corner who had a tattoo across his chest that said, never give up. I'm like, I think...
we've arrived and um so they would go up and strip and then the drag queens would come out and then I would come out as like while they're changing which I don't know how long it takes to change a g-string but I would come out and I would sing like Mariah Carey and then all these old men would throw peanuts at me like get naked you know and I'm like until forever like it just that was what I did so when I went to open mics I was like well this isn't so scary everyone's wearing clothes
Not so bad.
Yeah.
Showing 141–160 of 178 · page 8 of 9
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