Melissa Urban

know. I'm not a New Year's resolution person. I tend to just take on these like self-improvement things as I stumble across them. Yeah, like I started my cold shower experiment like in February two years ago just randomly. So I'm not a New Year's resolution person and there is no one-size-fits-all for boundaries.

know. I'm not a New Year's resolution person. I tend to just take on these like self-improvement things as I stumble across them. Yeah, like I started my cold shower experiment like in February two years ago just randomly. So I'm not a New Year's resolution person and there is no one-size-fits-all for boundaries.

I won't know what my needs are next year until I get to next year and I'm in the moment and I go... You know, my context has changed. My capacity has changed. My goals have changed. Do I still I'm always reevaluating my boundary. Do I still need a boundary here? And if so, is this the boundary that I need?

I won't know what my needs are next year until I get to next year and I'm in the moment and I go... You know, my context has changed. My capacity has changed. My goals have changed. Do I still I'm always reevaluating my boundary. Do I still need a boundary here? And if so, is this the boundary that I need?

Because they should be flexible and I shouldn't keep a limit in place that no longer serves me.

Because they should be flexible and I shouldn't keep a limit in place that no longer serves me.

So I don't know. Ask me next year.

So I don't know. Ask me next year.

Welcome to my favorite TED Talk.

Welcome to my favorite TED Talk.

I mean, we need, honestly, so much of the root of why boundaries feels like such an icky subject to so many people. And I will say, especially women. especially moms, is because we have been conditioned by the patriarchy and stereotypically rigid gender roles and toxic masculinity, which comes from the patriarchy and religious influences and diet culture and trauma and the media.

I mean, we need, honestly, so much of the root of why boundaries feels like such an icky subject to so many people. And I will say, especially women. especially moms, is because we have been conditioned by the patriarchy and stereotypically rigid gender roles and toxic masculinity, which comes from the patriarchy and religious influences and diet culture and trauma and the media.

We've been conditioned for my entire life and even going back further than that. to not have needs, to not have needs, to be selfless, especially as a mom, we are praised the most when we are putting everyone else's needs and feelings and wants and desires above our own. Like we're not even on our own list. And if we're on the list, we're at the very bottom.

We've been conditioned for my entire life and even going back further than that. to not have needs, to not have needs, to be selfless, especially as a mom, we are praised the most when we are putting everyone else's needs and feelings and wants and desires above our own. Like we're not even on our own list. And if we're on the list, we're at the very bottom.

And then when we do have a need and we speak it, we either hint about it because we've been told we can't be direct and then we're disappointed that people aren't reading our minds or we're direct about it and we're told that we're selfish or we're called a or any of those other monikers. So we have been conditioned to not have boundaries societally.

And then when we do have a need and we speak it, we either hint about it because we've been told we can't be direct and then we're disappointed that people aren't reading our minds or we're direct about it and we're told that we're selfish or we're called a or any of those other monikers. So we have been conditioned to not have boundaries societally.

And I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs. and to have those needs feel worthy. And the fact that like you of your own volition are valuable enough to advocate for those needs. And then to remember that we have the power to advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person.

And I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs. and to have those needs feel worthy. And the fact that like you of your own volition are valuable enough to advocate for those needs. And then to remember that we have the power to advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person.

If I set a boundary with you, it can't be dependent on what you choose to do. The boundary I set has to depend on me. The actions that I am willing to take

If I set a boundary with you, it can't be dependent on what you choose to do. The boundary I set has to depend on me. The actions that I am willing to take