Melissa Urban

in our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy give me an example around that um i we're in a convert we're in an argument and it starts to get really really heated and i say to you please don't speak to me like that it's really making me feel unsafe i don't like it when you use those words it's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand and you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that right

in our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy give me an example around that um i we're in a convert we're in an argument and it starts to get really really heated and i say to you please don't speak to me like that it's really making me feel unsafe i don't like it when you use those words it's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand and you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that right

I can't depend on you to change your communication style. The only thing I can do is say, I won't stay in this argument if this is how we're going to continue to talk about it. I'm going to take a 10 minute break. After 10 minutes, I'll come back to see if you're ready. So I can't depend on you.

I can't depend on you to change your communication style. The only thing I can do is say, I won't stay in this argument if this is how we're going to continue to talk about it. I'm going to take a 10 minute break. After 10 minutes, I'll come back to see if you're ready. So I can't depend on you.

If I go to my family's house and they're talking about politics and we don't agree with politics, I can say, Could we change the subject, please? And if they say no, then I have to enact my boundary, which is, okay, I'm gonna go for a walk. I'm gonna leave the table, yeah.

If I go to my family's house and they're talking about politics and we don't agree with politics, I can say, Could we change the subject, please? And if they say no, then I have to enact my boundary, which is, okay, I'm gonna go for a walk. I'm gonna leave the table, yeah.

So all of that to say, we have a lot of unlearning to do about what it means to have needs and to advocate for those needs and to speak clearly and what that means as a woman to speak clearly and directly versus what historically it's meant for a man to speak clearly and directly, right? A man says it and he's decisive. A woman says it and she's aggressive.

So all of that to say, we have a lot of unlearning to do about what it means to have needs and to advocate for those needs and to speak clearly and what that means as a woman to speak clearly and directly versus what historically it's meant for a man to speak clearly and directly, right? A man says it and he's decisive. A woman says it and she's aggressive.

There's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do, I think, before we can get to the point where we don't automatically think of boundaries as selfish or controlling or manipulative.

There's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do, I think, before we can get to the point where we don't automatically think of boundaries as selfish or controlling or manipulative.

Correct. Now, I'm initially going to phrase most of my boundaries as a request.

Correct. Now, I'm initially going to phrase most of my boundaries as a request.

Right? Because you didn't know I had a limit. So I'm going to say to you, hey, I need... I could use a half hour of alone time. Would you mind if I go in my room?" Or, you know, would you mind taking the dog for a walk or something, right? And if you say no, then my boundary is to remove myself.

Right? Because you didn't know I had a limit. So I'm going to say to you, hey, I need... I could use a half hour of alone time. Would you mind if I go in my room?" Or, you know, would you mind taking the dog for a walk or something, right? And if you say no, then my boundary is to remove myself.

So I think that's another common misconception is that, you know, boundaries aren't about telling other people what to do or controlling other people. I may phrase my request in that way as an invitation to meet me in my limit, but I always have a backup plan. This is what I'm going to do.

So I think that's another common misconception is that, you know, boundaries aren't about telling other people what to do or controlling other people. I may phrase my request in that way as an invitation to meet me in my limit, but I always have a backup plan. This is what I'm going to do.

Yes, I have this... and seeing if people will honor respect it or renegotiate it in some way yeah if you want to accept that or not you know it all kind of depends yes i have this like green yellow red boundary framework that i've been using since the earliest days of my recovery where i evaluate sort of the level of threat that the boundary crossing has on our relationship

Yes, I have this... and seeing if people will honor respect it or renegotiate it in some way yeah if you want to accept that or not you know it all kind of depends yes i have this like green yellow red boundary framework that i've been using since the earliest days of my recovery where i evaluate sort of the level of threat that the boundary crossing has on our relationship

And I've got these three different levels of boundary communication. So if your mother-in-law shows up on your porch uninvited and you really want her to call before you come over, but you've never said that before, I don't want you to open the door and go like, Barbara, you're not welcome without calling first and slam the door. That's like a red level boundary. We don't need to start there.

And I've got these three different levels of boundary communication. So if your mother-in-law shows up on your porch uninvited and you really want her to call before you come over, but you've never said that before, I don't want you to open the door and go like, Barbara, you're not welcome without calling first and slam the door. That's like a red level boundary. We don't need to start there.