Melissa Urban

Welcome to my favorite TED Talk.

I mean, we need, honestly, so much of the root of why boundaries feels like such an icky subject to so many people. And I will say, especially women. especially moms, is because we have been conditioned by the patriarchy and stereotypically rigid gender roles and toxic masculinity, which comes from the patriarchy and religious influences and diet culture and trauma and the media.

I mean, we need, honestly, so much of the root of why boundaries feels like such an icky subject to so many people. And I will say, especially women. especially moms, is because we have been conditioned by the patriarchy and stereotypically rigid gender roles and toxic masculinity, which comes from the patriarchy and religious influences and diet culture and trauma and the media.

We've been conditioned for my entire life and even going back further than that. to not have needs, to not have needs, to be selfless, especially as a mom, we are praised the most when we are putting everyone else's needs and feelings and wants and desires above our own. Like we're not even on our own list. And if we're on the list, we're at the very bottom.

We've been conditioned for my entire life and even going back further than that. to not have needs, to not have needs, to be selfless, especially as a mom, we are praised the most when we are putting everyone else's needs and feelings and wants and desires above our own. Like we're not even on our own list. And if we're on the list, we're at the very bottom.

And then when we do have a need and we speak it, we either hint about it because we've been told we can't be direct and then we're disappointed that people aren't reading our minds or we're direct about it and we're told that we're selfish or we're called a or any of those other monikers. So we have been conditioned to not have boundaries societally.

And then when we do have a need and we speak it, we either hint about it because we've been told we can't be direct and then we're disappointed that people aren't reading our minds or we're direct about it and we're told that we're selfish or we're called a or any of those other monikers. So we have been conditioned to not have boundaries societally.

And I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs. and to have those needs feel worthy. And the fact that like you of your own volition are valuable enough to advocate for those needs. And then to remember that we have the power to advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person.

And I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs. and to have those needs feel worthy. And the fact that like you of your own volition are valuable enough to advocate for those needs. And then to remember that we have the power to advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person.

If I set a boundary with you, it can't be dependent on what you choose to do. The boundary I set has to depend on me. The actions that I am willing to take

If I set a boundary with you, it can't be dependent on what you choose to do. The boundary I set has to depend on me. The actions that I am willing to take

in our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy give me an example around that um i we're in a convert we're in an argument and it starts to get really really heated and i say to you please don't speak to me like that it's really making me feel unsafe i don't like it when you use those words it's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand and you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that right

in our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy give me an example around that um i we're in a convert we're in an argument and it starts to get really really heated and i say to you please don't speak to me like that it's really making me feel unsafe i don't like it when you use those words it's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand and you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that right

I can't depend on you to change your communication style. The only thing I can do is say, I won't stay in this argument if this is how we're going to continue to talk about it. I'm going to take a 10 minute break. After 10 minutes, I'll come back to see if you're ready. So I can't depend on you.

I can't depend on you to change your communication style. The only thing I can do is say, I won't stay in this argument if this is how we're going to continue to talk about it. I'm going to take a 10 minute break. After 10 minutes, I'll come back to see if you're ready. So I can't depend on you.

If I go to my family's house and they're talking about politics and we don't agree with politics, I can say, Could we change the subject, please? And if they say no, then I have to enact my boundary, which is, okay, I'm gonna go for a walk. I'm gonna leave the table, yeah.

If I go to my family's house and they're talking about politics and we don't agree with politics, I can say, Could we change the subject, please? And if they say no, then I have to enact my boundary, which is, okay, I'm gonna go for a walk. I'm gonna leave the table, yeah.

So all of that to say, we have a lot of unlearning to do about what it means to have needs and to advocate for those needs and to speak clearly and what that means as a woman to speak clearly and directly versus what historically it's meant for a man to speak clearly and directly, right? A man says it and he's decisive. A woman says it and she's aggressive.

So all of that to say, we have a lot of unlearning to do about what it means to have needs and to advocate for those needs and to speak clearly and what that means as a woman to speak clearly and directly versus what historically it's meant for a man to speak clearly and directly, right? A man says it and he's decisive. A woman says it and she's aggressive.

There's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do, I think, before we can get to the point where we don't automatically think of boundaries as selfish or controlling or manipulative.