Melissa Urban

There's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do, I think, before we can get to the point where we don't automatically think of boundaries as selfish or controlling or manipulative.

Correct. Now, I'm initially going to phrase most of my boundaries as a request.

Correct. Now, I'm initially going to phrase most of my boundaries as a request.

Right? Because you didn't know I had a limit. So I'm going to say to you, hey, I need... I could use a half hour of alone time. Would you mind if I go in my room?" Or, you know, would you mind taking the dog for a walk or something, right? And if you say no, then my boundary is to remove myself.

Right? Because you didn't know I had a limit. So I'm going to say to you, hey, I need... I could use a half hour of alone time. Would you mind if I go in my room?" Or, you know, would you mind taking the dog for a walk or something, right? And if you say no, then my boundary is to remove myself.

So I think that's another common misconception is that, you know, boundaries aren't about telling other people what to do or controlling other people. I may phrase my request in that way as an invitation to meet me in my limit, but I always have a backup plan. This is what I'm going to do.

So I think that's another common misconception is that, you know, boundaries aren't about telling other people what to do or controlling other people. I may phrase my request in that way as an invitation to meet me in my limit, but I always have a backup plan. This is what I'm going to do.

Yes, I have this... and seeing if people will honor respect it or renegotiate it in some way yeah if you want to accept that or not you know it all kind of depends yes i have this like green yellow red boundary framework that i've been using since the earliest days of my recovery where i evaluate sort of the level of threat that the boundary crossing has on our relationship

Yes, I have this... and seeing if people will honor respect it or renegotiate it in some way yeah if you want to accept that or not you know it all kind of depends yes i have this like green yellow red boundary framework that i've been using since the earliest days of my recovery where i evaluate sort of the level of threat that the boundary crossing has on our relationship

And I've got these three different levels of boundary communication. So if your mother-in-law shows up on your porch uninvited and you really want her to call before you come over, but you've never said that before, I don't want you to open the door and go like, Barbara, you're not welcome without calling first and slam the door. That's like a red level boundary. We don't need to start there.

And I've got these three different levels of boundary communication. So if your mother-in-law shows up on your porch uninvited and you really want her to call before you come over, but you've never said that before, I don't want you to open the door and go like, Barbara, you're not welcome without calling first and slam the door. That's like a red level boundary. We don't need to start there.

The green is, hey, would you please call before you come over and give us at least an hour's notice? That would be really helpful. Thanks. That's your green, right? You're going in with a request. You're inviting her and meet it. Chances are she's going to go, yeah, that's fine. Now, she shows up on your door again after you've expressed that limit and it's not some kind of emergency.

The green is, hey, would you please call before you come over and give us at least an hour's notice? That would be really helpful. Thanks. That's your green, right? You're going in with a request. You're inviting her and meet it. Chances are she's going to go, yeah, that's fine. Now, she shows up on your door again after you've expressed that limit and it's not some kind of emergency.

You're free to open the door and say, oh, Barbara, you didn't call and it's not a good time. Would you like to come back and visit this weekend or should I just call you later on tonight? Right. That's you holding your boundary.

You're free to open the door and say, oh, Barbara, you didn't call and it's not a good time. Would you like to come back and visit this weekend or should I just call you later on tonight? Right. That's you holding your boundary.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Red is you don't answer the door. Because you've asked now several times for her to call before she comes by and it's not an unreasonable request. And so the answer is like, you are not entitled to my time and home and space and family anytime you please. That does not feel unreasonable to me.

Red is you don't answer the door. Because you've asked now several times for her to call before she comes by and it's not an unreasonable request. And so the answer is like, you are not entitled to my time and home and space and family anytime you please. That does not feel unreasonable to me.

Sometimes you have to live in the yellow. So this is really common with conversations around diet,