Mike Owens
speaker
196 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Mar 2025
last heard Mar 2025
Mike Owens’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Pair of jeans up your asshole? You know what I mean? Holy shit. But you also had a lot of the retail places. If you were out there, if you ever worked retail, like, ring it up. You have to ask, hey, do you want to open a credit card? You don't want to open a Boscov's credit card. You want to open a Macy's credit card, a Best Buy credit card. You want to ruin your life? That was the big thing.
And also, you had to circle, sign, and say. You had to circle your name. Circle the website. Say your name. Circle sign. Hit the survey. And hey, if you like what you want, hit the survey. I never did that. I'm a guy. I'm fucking. Guy with the pepperoni breath was really helpful. That's actually a carbonara. That's what it was. Chicken carbonara sandwich. Without mushroom. With no mushrooms.
I didn't know what carbonara was. I thought it was a carburetor. That's a guy. I don't know what kind. No mushrooms. I remember they gave them to me one time. I sent it back. I'm allergic to these. I can't have them.
I was just shopping with my wife the other day, and she was not getting stuff, and I... The woman went, just put it here, like, out of the fitting room. And I didn't like doing that because that just piles up. I go put it back. I'm going to go hang this up for you. I'm going to go put it back.
You just can't, like, pile up on top.
I get it. Yeah, it's just not for me. They tell you to do that. I get that. They tell you to do that. I just, as a guy, I didn't know people did that. I didn't know that was like a rule. And, like, the fifth day, I went in, and there was, like, a fucking six-foot pile of clothes. And I thought I was on my way out. I thought I was clocking the fuck out. I go to check to make sure no one's in there.
And there's, like, fucking 150 pieces of clothes I got. Oh, I was so pissed. I remember calling my brother. Fucking cockamamie company, you're running here. Fucking animals. All right, let's see here. This one's from Toddy Fick. Just say you're out getting... This is setting the scene. You're out getting new shoes with your mom as a kid. I'm with you.
Is she having you walk and run up and down the aisles to make sure they fit? I distinctly remember treating Payless like the combine.
I mean, they were so concerned with it. Come here. Fucking thumb just. Brandon, you. Dude. Goddamn fucking break my foot. I remember one time I was too old.
I was older, not too old, but I was old, and I was getting rollerblades for hockey, and we were at the Sports Authority out there on Route 1 by Oxford Valley Mall, and there was this nice, I forget what they were, like a good set of Bowers or something, like a little heightened, not like recreational. They were like roller hockey skates. Recreational.
And I put them on, and I was rollerblading to check, and I thought I was real fucking cool. And my mom's like, you're really good. I'm like, yeah, no big deal, dude. I was skating backwards and shit. Dude, I was over by the canoes and stuff. I was showing up. You fell into a bunch of coolers. I'm in the golf section. What's up, pussies? I was like, I remember being like, man, you are good.
Yeah, there's probably some scouts out here who are going to see me inside.
I got 50 bucks and you don't get me, pussy.
You're up on the top rope, fucking.
Man, your shit looked tight. That was like that portable. That was like a seat. So he would sit on it, right? I think that was for the salesman. He would sit on it, lace you up, put you in. Then you could walk. You go back and see. Yeah.
I never knew it. Yeah. There it is. Wait, that opened in 1991. What did? Phil's Family Shoes, Crossroads Plaza. Grand opening. It took out a whole page in the Philadelphia Inquirer. Are they still popping? Nah, that closed. You can win 76ers tickets.
Got a pair of Rock Ports at the house.
Very much so.
I wore them all the time. This one's great. This is from Joey Bag of Donuts. $10, homie. I used to work overnight at the flagship L.L. Bean store in Maine. It was open to customers 24-7. Oh, my God. My main job was to chase out teenagers who would hook up in the tents. Damn. That's a place to go fucking canoodle with your gal pal or your guy guy. Flagship L.L. Bean?
Got family up there. That's all right. I mean, one... Weird job. You know, chasing out teens who were smooching, whatever. That could have been the main response. They didn't hire him for that.
Showing 61–80 of 196 · page 4 of 10
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