Miranda

But all of it carries the weight of the confusing aspects of being groomed and manipulated.

Even if in the moment I knew that I wanted to give him a blowjob or receive oral sex, it in hindsight doesn't inherently feel super consensual because I was manipulated into wanting those things beforehand.

I felt coerced and pressured and forced ultimately when it became clear to me that my purpose of being with him before or after rehearsal was to get him off.

I was more interested in developing a relationship with him.

There were times when I very much said no.

There were times when I very much was like,

I don't really want to do this right now.

I said no in as many ways as I could while still feeling comfortable.

I still was like, I'm not really feeling it today or I'm really tired or can we just cuddle instead?

We only have 20 minutes until we need to get to rehearsal, but none of that ultimately really mattered to him.

Over time, our sexual contact became less and less consensual.

That was the most intense time of our relationship because it's when we saw each other the most and he made sure that the process of the play was equally as exhausting as everything else in my life because he...

wanted it to be excellent then it was draining because it was a really sad play and i was the lead so i was carrying all of this sad emotional weight in and out of the rehearsal room i have such a vivid memory of him making me run the end of the play which is the saddest part of the play so many times in a row to get me to be in this specific emotional state

I had to stop and go vomit.

That was just a part of the way that he broke down my defenses.

That happened for three months straight.

Spending all of my time with him and then even meeting up with him on the weekends, he would sneak out of the home that he shared with his wife and his daughter and meet me at his office at school and I would find a reason to

to not hang out with my friends, to be like, I need to go to the library at school or do something at school.

It was an incredibly isolating time and I was absolutely riddled with anxiety.

I could not sleep at all.