Phil Smith
Appearances
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You guys having fun at Kill Tony so far? Let them hear it. All right, so my girlfriend's dad's dead. Fine, don't clap. No, he died, like, before I met her, and recently she told me, I think my father sent you to me. And I said, babe, I had no idea you were schizophrenic.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Which, I'll admit, isn't a great thing to say to your beautiful girlfriend, but do you guys know what the worst thing I could have said is? Yeah, he did. I was wondering what that energy was. It was your dead father sending me to you. I am your gift. And then just like proceed to use that in our relationship. Like, hang on, he's coming through. He's saying I'm right and you're wrong?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You'd think your dad would have your back. Hold on, he's coming through again. I'm getting something. Shut up, shut the fuck up. I don't know why your dad's saying this. He's saying we should invite another woman into the bedroom? Thank you guys, I've been Phil Smith. Okay, Phil Smith. All right, Phil, welcome. Keep it.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I just didn't know if you knew this. A certain one of your producers is also from Rochester, New York.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Never talked to him in my life. But you just know he's from Rochester. We know, we know. We know, we know, we know. Yeah, it's a smaller city, and they're like, If you tell someone you're from Rochester, they're like, you know who else is? Three other people.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Absolutely. What do you do for work? Right now, it's weird. I, uh... I came here with like five grand. Are you a wizard? What do you mean? It's weird. I came here from Hogwarts.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Smoked it, went blue through it immediately. Yeah. My plan was to do like Instacart. Car broke down very shortly after. Wow. And I got hired at the Vulcan, former venue of Kill Tony. Uh-huh. And don't get scheduled there too much.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
So I did the natural thing anybody would do. I just started playing poker full time. Wow. And I was able to pay my rent up until now just playing poker.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, one of the reasons I was excited to move here is because I've always played poker and Austin, Texas also happens to have the best card room in the country. It is true.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
He has a bet right now for like a quarter million dollars that he has to get down to like 2% body fat.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, I was. I've paid my rent up until now, and in the past few weeks had like a $4,000 downswing. So all in all, in Austin, I am currently up $1,200, but...
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
But I'm going to have to play more poker. I mean, I can't just pay the $1,000, have $200. I had to buy in for $1,200, turn it into like $3,600. And then I go, oh, I'm chilling. And then maybe lose that in between.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I purposely talk about the fact, like, I need this. And then people are like, then he's not bluffing. Right. This is his rent money.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I delivered pizzas for ten years. I'm pretty good at that. Wow. Okay.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I can get into this. Dish the dirt. Yeah, let's do it. So she's a new girlfriend. I met her at Creek in the Cave. We were there for Banana Phone. Creek in the Cave. I do want to let you guys know there's a free show every Sunday called Banana Phone if you're in town for Kill Tony. Let's not plug your shows on your girlfriend's back. Thank you, Phil.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I was there for that, and I met her, and I thought she was really hot. She is really hot. She's way out of my league. And we just started small talking. It was going great. I bought her a drink. And it got to the point where we sat, watched the show. I walked her to her car, and she goes, just so you know, I'm married. Okay, and then what?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And then I was like, all right, well, I'm totally mature enough to be in a platonic relationship with a woman who's married.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, so, like, I thought we could, like, catch an earthquake together or something. Yeah. She could not use my material against me. I'll speed it up a little bit. No, you're doing good. Keep going. She was going to mics by herself and stuff. Her husband didn't support her doing comedy. Wasn't a fan of you either. He didn't let her watch Kill Tony. He didn't let her watch Kill Tony?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
That's just what I heard. I don't need to give this guy more of a reason to murder me, so we're not going to talk too much about him. No, keep going. This is great. So I'm going to Mike's with her as a friend, as a platonic friend. And I'm really like in my head, like, damn, I've matured so much. She's so hot and I can just be her friend. And we're going to all the Mike's.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
We're going to all the Mike's. And eventually she just ghosts me. And I'm like, oh, did I like weird her out or something? And so I texted her, didn't get a text back. And then a few days goes by and I'm like, I'll send her one more. And she says, I was like, hey, did you like quit comedy or something? And she says, no, I'm going through some personal stuff.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Turns out the personal stuff was she told her husband that she has feelings for me. And then they started the divorce process.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Again, real mature of me, I waited, because we're in Texas, so you really can't fuck around.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Did she? Not really. So, like, everybody's, like, telling me the same thing. Like, well, if she left her husband to be with, what do you think she's going to do? But as soon as she realized she had feelings for me, she stopped talking to me, worked it out with him, and then filed for divorce. And then we didn't hook up until it was finalized.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You didn't hook up until it was finalized? Like, the paperwork? In Texas, if I was to, like, she could go to jail.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Before it's final, yeah. It's adultery, even if you have filed for divorce.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Everything else is pretty chill, honestly. I mean, I think I told you the bulk of my stress and craziness.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Again, he's going to see this and he's probably going to hunt me down and kill me. But I do know... It was like around one of your first cancellations. This is secondhand information, so I'm sure if you're watching this, hearsay. But he was like, after Tony said that Asian stuff, you're gonna still watch that show? Oh, he's a . Incredible. I actually think he's really cool.