Ralphie May

It used to be, no lie, when I closed a roast, I would have 30 pages double space.

This time, nine.

And I did every single one of my jokes.

Seth did step on one of my Holocaust references because he's been in Germany and stuff.

But I did it anyway.

I plowed through.

Was there the joke?

It was the easiest roast for me ever.

Because you were first and you had everything.

wow i was anyway waiting wait no but no it's horrible you sit there and adam watch any roast if you if they show a wide angle shot you'll always see me going like this writing writing and just going i'm gonna kill myself because you know all these guys are good sure this is good gerardo's great oh my god so it was really where were you for jones roast

Oh, okay.

Well, I had been roastmaster for Larry the Cable Guy like six months before that.

It's going to be on your tombstone.

It is a resume.

It's what we call a resume changer.

So I'd done that, and then the Joan Rivers roast came up, but I was really busy with this other stuff.

And I was like, well, if they're not going to let me be Roastmaster, I really don't want to do it.

It's not worth my time.

So I Twittered, like, somebody said, oh, are you doing the Joan Roast?

And I said, no, if I can't be Roastmaster, I really don't want to do it.